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Recovery and Rehabilitation

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Bouts and doubts

This happens every now and then, that I feel like nothing is working for a while. Right now it is like that, only real awful. Excuse me while I whine and bitch a couple of lines. It's so idiotic because I know full well I can either just endure it and shut up or take my part and go against the hateful devil on my shoulder, shoot him down, only that both these paths look totally disgusting right now, yup that's the feeling, I'm very much not interested at it feels terrible. I was out earlier and the wind annoyed me to the brim, I was totally upset about it, only felt sadness and anger. About the wind. Seriously? Here's where I normally would resort to dope or something but I'm not interested in that either, neither that or any other kind of escape has done jack for me lately. I'm just stuck in being tense and generally pissed off. No wonder, all I see is ugliness and stupidity right now. I've been trying to evade it for some days by keeping busy. How come I changed my avatar picture here today to one opposite of what I'm feeling? Seems like mockery now, LOL. Well I think that's enough for today's entry, you get the point. No vex my friends, take care of yourselves today.

Been there, brother. It seems these things have to come to the surface and be expressed......it's usually anger for me as well. Hope it gets better.

Hey roed, can you get to any of the live talks with John and Carla? They are on Wed at 7pm PDT and 11am Sat PDT. The reason I suggest this is because something has been happening with me in those talks that is more than the talking taking place. I've been having some very good realizations, usually the day after. I think there is some type of 'energetic' element happening besides the talking when we are speaking in real time - I don't really know what's going on, but that's what it feels like.

I am also starting to see some practical results from practicing the SDA. It was something John told me in one talk, and something Carla said in the next talk. I have, for quite awhile now, tried to send out/in/everywhere - the feeling of love to all people/animals/things. What has usually happened is that something will happen that will throw me off track and I will forget to do this as I go about my day. I find now, from the SDA, I am able to focus more on this technique without forgetting. For example, this morning, I was driving to the gym and was able to remember to 'send love out' to the others drivers and surrounding and, even in the gym doing heavy squatting, deadlifts, etc.. I still didn't forget for most of the time. This is very exciting to me since I usually would get distracted and forget. As you might imagine, the whole 'sending love out' really lifts my spirits and makes me feel emotionally better.

I always found that the THC in doobie effects me poorly emotionally. I've noticed this with some other people I know as well. More recently, I started using CBD oil. If you haven't heard of this, google it. It is being used in successfully treating all sorts of physical and emotional ailments people have such as cancer and PTSD even. I've found the vaping it works best. I've been using the Vape Bright company as they have gotten a lot of good reviews and I can really feel a good effect. (...) Anyway, I find all of these substances are definitely less addictive than what a western medical doctor might prescribe, such as benzos, opiates, antidepressants, etc. And they're all available online legally. For me, it's very important to stay in a positive 'up' frame of mind - and all of the things I mentioned really help me to do that.

Ok man, hope you're feeling better today and hope to see (well, hear) you on one of the talks!smily All the very best, Lex

Much appreciated

Thanks for sharing that Roed. To me that posting was liberating. Being tensed, angry and sad is actually very common for me. It is still a conflict in me, and kind of hard actually, to see that I am basically sane, but still the presence of just feeling bad. It feels like a strong ache in my mind/body. But when I do something like talking to someone during the day or when I write something I see that my reactions and perception are sane. I am sane but I feel bad.

A short reflektion of my background puts this feeling bad in the right place. I have gone thrue a lot of shit. This ache is not suprising but rather expected. It has to come up to the surface as you said Jack. This ache is of course a part of the healing. It is the healing. It is my past accumulated suffering on the way out in the form of energy.

I am sorry that I stole your thread Roed and took the time to be my own therapist, but I needed that smily.

I'll guess you will feel better before you know it...

Thanks for sharing that Roed. To me that posting was liberating. Being tensed, angry and sad is actually very common for me. It is still a conflict in me, and kind of hard actually, to see that I am basically sane, but still the presence of just feeling bad. It feels like a strong ache in my mind/body. But when I do something like talking to someone during the day or when I write something I see that my reactions and perception are sane. I am sane but I feel bad.

Thanks for that - I was really strengthened by your post. It has been hard for me to accept that life is up and down, I see that has always been hard for me. I've sought comforts when things are down, and I'm a master at putting on a happy face, and without really reflecting on it, which is OK too I suppose, but I can't help to think there are lots of suppressed feelings too. I wonder if it takes less energy in the long run to confront the feelings and let them weather out, it sure feels better... if that is even possible to control at all. In any case I believe something was learned from this and things are settling down slowly. I still feel tossed back and forth between clarity, madness, sadness and joy, but it all feels more okay too, whatever it is.

Haha! I stole it back now for the same purpose, Niklas! ;) Just kidding, you only add. I appreciated your post immensely, it has just taken some time. Thanks again.

Hey guys, what do you think of the idea of never suffering no matter what happens? This is what I was talking about with J+C on a few of the past live conversations we were having. He was talking about this teaching not being about feeling better. You still will experience pain, grief, etc.. all the ups and downs of life, which may be mitigated or intensified depending on other things you decide to do, but there is no mental/emotional suffering attached to it. There are a couple of clips where John talks about a very serious food poisoning he had and, while no one would want to go through that including him, he was pointing out how there was no suffering on his part that went along with the physical illness. And I was talking with J+C about how no matter what happens to you - physically or emotionally - you don't suffer from it.

What is your opinion of this? If J+C have been able to get to that place, then it must be possible for all of us. Maybe practicing the SDA would accelerate getting to that place? I've been practicing the SDA since April and, while I'm much better at it from when I started, I still feel like I have a long way to go to where I have that degree of control over my attention.

John points out that the only thing we can gain control over in our lives is where we place our attention. I still haven't gotten a clear answer from J+C about how long it might take to get to the point that John is describing of no suffering, but I think that's because it's different for everyone. That being said, we are all human beings with the same general make-up..so there must be some type of general time frame that, perhaps, we can figure out if enough people reach that place of non-suffering through this teaching.

It seems like your pointing to this state of being roed: "I still feel tossed back and forth between clarity, madness, sadness and joy, but it all feels more okay too, whatever it is." And it's like we want to get to the point where we're completely okay no matter what happens.. The word 'okay' being defined in this instance as not suffering.

I believe I understand what J & C are saying... My suffering has diminished so much that it's as if it doesn't happen. If I do suffer, by this I mean neurotic rumination that has no purpose or isn't solution driven, it is usually short term and temporary. My challenge now is to find and stop those things, habits of the mind and body, that lead to suffering. For me this is certain foods, alcohol, too much time spent online, and hanging out with 'toxic' people. I have noticed diminished suffering allows active engagement with life and constructive use of time and attention. Another thing that went away with suffering is boredom. I'm rarely bored.

Thanks for expounding upon this Jack..It's definitely helpful to me. Yeah, I know what you mean about hanging with 'toxic' people.. I think I'm lucky in that regard as I usually hang with artists and/or people interested in raising their consciousness - so I don't come across it too much but, when I do, I really extricate myself from that energy as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, I've lost a couple of good friends by doing that, but I felt I had no other choice. I would of lost them regardless of what I did anyway.

Not surprised about the alcohol as it's a depressant. I find only substances that are stimulants, that elevate and energize me and bring my mood up (without too much of a crash..which, obviously is a 'downer'!) are what I utilize. Whatever keeps me in an 'up enough' state to feel positive and motivated to do things like the SDA and to just have a more positive outlook on life - even if it's just a good cup of coffee!smily

 

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