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Insanely seeking sanity

I used think that I was lucky to have bumped into John when I had finally realized that no aspiration I had ever tried, in my 25+ years of desperate seeking, had ever worked to affect a cure for the misery that would always resurface. But recently I've wondered how things might have been if I had come across this radically simple message when I was 15. I seem to be writing a novel about the idea. Ideas are coming out of nowhere that I could have never imagined writing about before. Its a different kind of coming of age story that has been bringing me great satisfaction lately. It's still quite new for me to experience satisfaction without the need to quell that "quiet desperation" that used to haunt me.

When I heard John say that "nothing worked" it made complete sense to me. I had nothing to loose. I had spent all my physical resources seeking, so John's fee was very appealing. Imagine the wonder of finding a cure for human misery that didn't cost anything or require any beliefs or strenuous long term effort.

The reality of my insane search for sanity has also been coming to mind recently. How all the practices and leanings were useless and how they had morphed into something like doing chemo when I didn't have cancer, psychologically speaking. I can see how desperately I clung to the ideas and beliefs that made me feel safe. Like chasing shadows. I'm not saying that any of it was or is bad, it can't and never did hurt me, I'm just pointing out how insanity governed everything I did and thought about, even the things I did that were thought to be good and compassionate.

I'm really happy about this forum. There is no other place I can go that sticks to the point. I still like to read about self reliance/transcendentalism and epistemology, much in the same way that I like to read about astronomy, but I'm glad that in this forum we don't get distracted from the importance of having a focus on the looking and the recovery process, with both it's pains and fruits. The subtle tasty fruits of which I'm starting to slowly realize, four years in--I was pretty endowed with spiritual wisdom though, so my recovery process has been slow. I envy those that hear about this that are not so polluted as I was. Thank you all for sharing your ideas and experience.



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