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It's Now Again

Hello John and everyone,

My intention here is to share an update to my first post (that was an email I had sent to John on Aug. 7th, that Carla asked if I would post here in the forum) Since writing that email, it seems that random pieces of the puzzle just started falling from the sky. It seemed that all the questions that I didn’t have answers for and all the answers that I didn’t have questions for, seem to come together. It is not that I have any understanding that I didn’t have before ...it’s hard to explain...but I feel satisfied in a way I can’t explain and really don’t have any interest in trying to figure out.

But a couple of weeks before the satisfaction came ....I was siting counting my breath when a thought came up and it was a sentence from my email I had sent to John ...('I don’t have to pretend'). There seemed to be something under that, I kept looking, and I heard...(You are pretending... that you are not pretending)...instead of the knee-jerk defense response that I expected...I heard (but that’s ok).

I was shocked by that and the next thing I noticed was ...the absence of something. There was no understanding at all in my mind about this absence. It was as if my mind was throwing up it’s hands and asking “WHAT?” then a tiny, involuntary sigh of relief. Relief from what, I didn’t know. At this point, I was interrupted..

Later on, I noticed a background of what seemed like ...mild happiness. I was siting again when the thought ...all of this ...the happiness, the absence of whatever, ...all of it....is a state just like all the other states I have seen come and go for the last 2 yrs... A mild disappointment came thru, then the thought ...so what...the rug can be pulled out from under me but there is nowhere to go, because I’m already here! I knew that intellectually all along, but the experience of it was different.

Some more days went by and it seemed that the mild happiness turned into ...just an easy state of being. This reminded me of the physical lightness in my body that I experienced with my first look, but this doesn’t feel physical.

Then intense confusion...confusion like I have never experienced before. Confusion in my mind seemed to be mirrored into my body. I had been having issues with my blood sugar dropping and that brings with it all kinds of unpleasant physical sensations but I have never had my mind and body bombard me at the same time! I didn’t know which would come first ...was I actually going to faint or was my mind going to explode! Then it occurred to me to go to my breath. After counting a short time, I had the sensation of diving deep underwater. The mind/body confusion was still there ...but I could barely hear it!

Then I listened to the podcast “The Looking Bypasses the Personal Apparatus” from 2010 retreat! John did a fantastic job explaining the looking from a view point I had never heard him talk about before and things just seemed to click for me ...hence, the sensation of satisfaction. God, what a journey this has been!

Things are beginning to settle down...I have no idea what state will present itself next. Maybe a state within a state ...the reverse of a lucid dream! That’s a little like what it feels like now. Instead of realizing I’m dreaming ...I realize I’m awake and have always been!

I apologize for the length ...but if you have made it down to here... you’re done!




Thanks, LaQuita. This is very resonant. I especially like the part about noticing the pretending, and allowing it to be.


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