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Hello 'lookers'. This is my first post. I thought I would do a report as it feels like a connecting thing. I guess I have been consciously doing this looking for most of a year now. My experience has been very varied, from very lovely to really horrible. Often it just seems to be the simplest thing to just look in at myself and it is deeply satisfying in that moment. Other times it appears impossible to do and I just hang on grimly to the idea that it is still worth trying in these times. Looking back, it seems that some of my addictive behaviour patterns have changed, though there is little satisfaction or trust in this. I'm hoping that the increased intensity of dread and sorrow I have been feeling recently is part of the recovery. I have been experiencing life rather like a nightmare; life on the outside seems to go on much as before but inside I am full of all my worst feelings and thoughts of despair and hopelessness. It really does feel like I am dreaming all of this but the dreaming is lucid to some extent; I know I am dreaming so however awful it feels , I can't be driven insane or destroyed by it. So ,I plod on, looking in at myself when ever I remember and trying not to act too weird or miserable on the outside so as not to freak my family and people out. I feel like a ghost, not really here in this world but somehow looking from inside this story of an inexplicably very unhappy person. Sometimes this seems like it will be too much to bare and other times it is more like an adventure and there is a secret hidden joy deep inside the story. And then there are little moments of relief and deep peace. It seems I have no choice but to go on now, as if the looking has taken over as the new addiction. I wonder how it will turn out.

Love to you all,

Trixie

Hi Trixie,

Welcome aboard. Your description about your feelings and your life sound like mine. Except that I'm quite done with looking. Doesn't come to mind anymore. I too plod on with my misery, occasional suicidal thoughts and general hopelessness and feeling of being unable to do anything to change my course towards ever deeper misery, lack of interest and lethargy. But, after taking on the practice of turning attention away from those thoughts and feelings when I find myself caught in them, it seemed to have become slightly easier to bear. Sometimes it takes considerable time to realize that those are thoughts and I'm attending to them and that it's optional. Sometimes I don't even want to turn away from them but wallow in them and think to heck with it all.

But, I find myself slowly growing in confidence that this will work. That this is the answer. I can't really give any hard evidence for that, but it seems to be a growing feeling.

Seppo

Love to you to Trixie.

...it's always beautiful and touching to read someone expressing the truth..I don't have my usual defenses anymore so I'm extremely sensitive to all that is moving inside me and the vibes of others close to me( the ghost analogy is great) I see with a smile and a shake of my head that really nothing changes in the circumstances of my life or my personality structure but there is always the sense of me that is enough and very satisfying ..

It is worth trying. The times it is "deeply satisfying" don't make it so.

I no longer wonder how it will turn out. trimpi

 

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