Just One Look Forum Archives

The first time I looked at myself was about 4 years ago. It took me about 6 months from the first look to the second one and it took me about 2 years to make a commitment for this inward looking act. After committing to a regular daily practice, it took about 4 months to notice things changing inside. During the whole initial process, I had many doubts, many times of profound change and chaotic bursts of inner conflict. There were times when I needed help, and John and Carla were always there to encourage and guide me. For that and for their whole work, I can never thank them enough. It took and it still takes so much power and finesse of perception from John to be able to demystify this practice and to put it in such simple, down to earth terms, while still being able to provide the needed support even for the most complicated and complex cases. I believe what John initiated and continues to lead is truly without precedent, a revolution in human evolution. But only time will tell.

As far as I am concerned, this is a brief summary of the changes that took place with me since starting to look at myself. Mind you, things are continuously changing, evolving, dissolving, rebuilding, so it`s impossible for me to have a truly comprehensive report. Nonetheless, maybe this will be a bit of motivation and assurance for those who find themselves either at the beginning of this process, either in the twists and turns of the recovery period. So, here it is:

- the background of fear, attentiveness, undefined anxiety that was a constant of my perception disappeared in the first 4 months of daily practice and it hasn't appeared anymore. Gone without a trace;

- whatever might happen to my body or personality, be it incredibly good or incredibly bad, there is always a detached space from where it is seen. I am, simultaneously, deep inside the body and personality, and out of it, watching it from a distance. I am both one with it and apart from it. It seems that, according to what is needed, I can live and feel everything deeply or watch from a distance. Even more, I cannot really see a difference between these 2 perspectives, as they are really one perspective. I can only separate them for the sake of the description;

- pretty much everything I do, it gets done without internal conflict, without personal injury, personality-wise. As a paradox maybe, I am involved in everything deeply, without reserve;

- I can no longer find any limits, barriers, between me and the world, between me and others, between me and life. That doesn't mean I have wondrous experiences (although I do get those from time to time), it just means that barriers don`t exist in my perception. It also means I am very transparent to anything, including other people`s suffering. The contact with others means that I feel various degrees of their feelings, suffering, experiences. I cannot stop this kind of interaction even though it is physically painful sometimes. I have come to experience emotions (mine and other people`s) as simply different types of energy, stuck in different places;

- all influences from outside dissolve, in time, and leave no trace behind;

- I can adapt much easier to most challenges. There are still many problems and many setbacks. I get tired, I get stuck sometimes. Even those feelings are felt without much fuss and, when they go, they leave nothing behind;

- I seem to perform most things better and better as time goes by, even without the express desire to do so. Apparently, in the absence of fear, the natural tendency is to do and to be better;

- I have become more and more interested in energy and awareness healing techniques. I am getting better at performing them, it`s a useful skill. I see them as a kind of vehicle maintenance tool for the body and mind. They help, but they are seen as what they are: useful tools;

- I can be alone or with others without an express preference. That being considered, there are times when I avoid others, when I become overwhelmed with their suffering. It`s like I get full of those overflowing energies and it takes time for them to get processed inside me. I understand that and try to give my body and mind time to adapt;

- there are no questions about who or what I am, about what my place is, what my purpose is. Not that I precisely know all those things, it`s just that the questions are gone and the answers are actually my whole experience continuously unfolding;

- all these changes have come about so naturally, so easily, that it is very hard to disseminate them and put them into words, simply because once a change has occurred, it became completely natural and integrated, as if that had always been the case;

- if I am asked about the looking, I know what to say. If I am not asked, I almost never think about it, although I still look at myself, when the thought or impulse arises;

- I find that one of Nisargadatta Maharaj`s statements goes very well with how I feel: "When one does not know himself, it`s like a sprained joint. You can go on doing what you`re doing, but you always feel there`s something wrong. Once the joint is set and healed, you don`t feel it anymore and everything is alright." Of course, I`m paraphrasing, I don`t know the exact quote.

That`s pretty much my experience. And actually, there are more changes, some of them still happening, and I don't yet have the capacity to reflect on them and explain them. But I am here, I am I, and that's just enough. If you, the reader, are maybe just beginning this looking, then good. I could advise you to keep it up, but that's not really necessary, since the looking at yourself has its own drive and, once started, gets the job done anyway. I`m just saying, maybe, to those looking at the dark clouds above, that, sooner or later, the rain will gently start falling.

This is inspiring. I had been feeling those kinds of changes for some time, and they felt completely natural and i couldnt remember a time when it was not so. Recently, I seem to be going through one of the down phases. A lot of my inner child issues coming through. And I just cant seem to be able to look at myself ! I try, but its very unsatisfactory. Especially since it seemed that things were going so well.

I remind myself that this is a phase and will pass. And I am always ok.

It seems to me that if I get engaged in the issue that comes up and start looking for answers. It tends to complicate things even more and even if it looks like its working, perhaps it would be better left alone. Though I also feel , i dont have very much choice in that always.

What do you think?

Dear aabha,

Sometimes it is very hard to get a good look at yourself. There are moments when you have to allow your body and mind to go through certain transformations. Just keep looking at yourself whwnever it is possible and it feels that you should do it. It is quite normal to be baffled at times, there are things inside our beings that have been kept shut, locked, for such a long time, that our conscious awareness can`t even understand them anymore.

I suspect that looking at yourself unlocks all these old forgotten traumas, tendendencies, however you might want to call them. Even if your conscious mind cannot solve them and can`t make out a reason or logic for them, they still get processed, at a more subtle, less obvious level of yourself.

So, do or don`t, accept them or not, fight them or leave them alone. Sometimes you might get small victories, sometimes you will feel overwhelmed. In time, they will either get solved and dissolved, either they won`t bother you anymore. You are already on the road and it will surely go on the best possible way.

After looking, John says the question of death is uninteresting to him. After just one look, when the fear of death gives way to living life, death is not so much an issue anymore as just another thought among many.