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The fever broke and I seem to have found the fear and guilt have gone

The fever broke and I seem to have found the fear and guilt have gone. Of course, I still have doubts, maybe I'm just in an "up" time of the season. Maybe things are clicking along nicely bio-chemically, and I'm experiencing this kind of high of a new boldness and audacity and lack of dis-ease and the feeling that someone is watching me and I'm doing something wrong and am always explaining myself in my head. That's gone.

My question is: is it a common side effect of this to doubt your sanity, want to have your head examined, and to furiously seek an appointment with a psychotherapist? That's what I did. Met with therapist and wanted to know if I'm crazy. The therapist seems to think I'm fine, but hasn't ruled out the possibility that it could be some weird form of depression or bio-chemical change of life.

Are these doubts I'm having common? Should I hold off making any big important life decisions while I'm still under the influence of this "high" of not being afraid or fearing that I'm doing something wrong?

It all seems to be working out well, my nature feels like it's pulling me to it, and it's my personal, unique nature, absolutely unique to me, and it's sort of "calling" to me. I am watching this unfold more than taking any actions, but am proceeding very cautiously, with that doubt that maybe I'm just making this story go the way that I want the story to go.

Your thoughts?

I read this post and talked about it at the Open House Meeting on Wednesday, March 16, 2011.

You can listen to the entire recording in our podcast. Please let me know if more is needed.

in love,

John

John, I wrote to you via your email info link earlier this week. Not sure if you received the message in that format. My husband and I are in a crisis of sorts, 30 years of living together, many years of anger, fear, hurt, resentment. He recently had a spiritual awakening and wrote to you about the fever breaking. We both seemed to have reached a crisis point at the same time. I realized that I had many things to work through that were not a direct cause of my relationship with him. He felt some great release, fever breaking, etc but couldn't share that with me and was probably afraid of my reaction (I'm not exactly sure why he couldn't). He needed to get away from me and the kids and went about it the wrong way as least it seemed this way at the time. Maybe it was the right way, who knows. Anyway it resulted in very intense feelings on my part (and not the good kind). But the interesting part was that we both listen to your podcasts (he more than me) and he had been using my Ipod and got his fixed before he left. I picked up my ipod and decided to listen to you while walking. That's when I heard his email discussed on your Open House (I've confirmed that this is true with him). That was the first time I knew specifically about it and I was sad, angry, etc. Mostly sad that he had apparently "found it" and couldn't tell me for fear of my reaction. I was jealous, I want to feel that way too. But I didn't and I still don't. I don't know how to do it. I've tried, maybe tried too hard or not hard enough. I know you talk about being in the wilderness but it seems that all your callers, emailers are not in the wilderness, they have "looked", they have "found". I know this is suppose to be inspiring to those of us still looking but just once I'd like to hear from someone that is truly "not there yet", is still in the 10 years in the wilderness. Maybe that would be discouraging to you and your listeners.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you. I'll keep trying and keep exploring and maybe even come to your retreat in November. Your message is a good one, you try so hard within the limits of our world. Thanks for listening.

Yes, I did see your email. I'm very sorry it is taking me so long to respond.

Actually, I have had some conversations with people who thought themselves very much to be still in the 'wilderness'. Here a link to one of them in the forum:

Dear John, Do you remember me?

I'm grateful for your willingness to find out for yourself whether there is anything to all of this business of looking. I think it might help for us to have a voice conversation.

If you agree, please send an email to Carla and arrange a day and time. We can meet either online or by phone. She will be happy to take care of this.

John

Hi John, thanks again for speaking with me. It seems now like a lifetime ago. I felt your compassion for me during our conversation and it was such a welcoming feeling. But as you know only I can be the one to "look" at myself and rid myself of the feeling of being separated from my own life. I've had some good days and some very bad days. Randy and I are still separated and that is the hardest thing for me. The what I'll call "little" things of life (job, flat tire, etc.) those don't seem to be a burden any more. The uncertainty of my future has been devastating to me both in terms of my relationship with my husband, my financial situation, my view of what "family" means to me. They are all cloudy and murky and I feel totally out of control. The river is in control and I am not enjoying the ride. When I hear from my husband or get any sign that things are improving I feel "good" and then when he changes his mind or perhaps his words are interpreted wrongly my me I feel bad. It's easy to believe that you are looking at yourself when good, satisfying feelings are present (maybe it's just a lie that you are looking during these times) but it's been impossible for me to feel that I am in my life when the feelings of fear, abandonment, loss, grief are present. They are physically painful, so painful. And all I want to do is run from them, protect myself from them, go to sleep and forget them. I can understand why people want emptiness, lack of feeling, because of the pain. How do you live with uncertainty? How do you live the ups and downs? I keep hoping that they will go away but it doesn't seem like it will happen. I recently had a very bad 24 hours of horrible, horrible feelings. I thought I was going crazy and I probably was. I finally just let them all in, waves and waves of them, I could barely breath. And they did lessen and stop for awhile. They are there today but at a much lower level. I still continue to try to look and have been listening to the podcasts. I was wrong below about only those who have found it being on these podcasts. I'm working my way backwards and see that there are many seekers just like me out there struggling.

Thanks again for speaking with me and doing this work.

The pain and angst that is expressed through your words is so moving. Though my circumstances are quite different, I am no stranger to the kind of fear and emotional suffering of which you speak. I wish there was something helpful I could say, but I fear there is nothing I can offer. I know exactly what you mean when you voice your frustration that it seems like those we hear in the podcasts have 'looked', they have 'found'. Well, rest assured that I feel very much that I am "not there yet." For a while now I have had an increasing sense of feeling horribly adrift, lost, a ship at sea with no compass, despite increasing efforts to find the truth, to find my own awareness and being. I try to look, and sometimes I feel like I have really seen what I am trying to find, and other times I can't tell left from right, up from down. I am always seeking a way to neutralize the fear, whenever fear strikes me and I feel I am dangling helplessly by the throat, being strangled by the hideous beast called Fear. I have yet to find anything consistent, although some part of me refuses to stop searching.

Anyway, I cannot give you any tips on how to look at yourself because I haven't the foggiest idea. But I can offer my sympathy and assurance that I too am struggling really badly. I can only hope you don't feel as hopeless and useless as I sometimes do. If I ever figure my issues out, I'll let you know how I did it.

Hi Carla and John,

I was listening to a podcast today and felt like giving you an update. The last time I spoke to you, John, I was coming out of a two week episode of fear and terror that was horrible. But it is over and has not come back to that extent. Don't get me wrong, I still have days of fear or worry or other emotions but not like that. These seem to come and go. What has come to me is this realization of being OK with whatever comes. At first I thought this was apathy or depression (not caring about anything) but I don't think that's it. But when you come down from highs or up from lows you maybe trick yourself into thinking that you are more alive because of these intense feelings. So when they are gone you worry that you don't have any intense emotions. The way I feel now is more like a kind of boring feeling that life will be what it is and I don't have to try to direct it. Or if I choose to do something that's fine or if I choose to do something else that's fine too. But I am choosing just to see what comes of it not expecting good or bad.

Looking forward to meeting you both in November.

All the best,

A.

 

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