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My last email to you was that I heard you loud and clear

My last email to you was that I heard you loud and clear and would keep listening (to your voice of reason, reassurance, and relentless repetition, and to the call of my own nature.)

The fear hasn't returned. I no longer have night-sweats. I have no anxiety even though I'm at one of the most turbulent stretches of this river of my 54 years. There is no sense of crisis or suffering, although there are of course still changes in mood, attentiveness, confidence, but even when those happen, I am not concerned about them, they are thoughts that come and go. I really only have one sensation, and I can give it names depending on the circumstances, but when I examine it, I see it's the same sensation always, it is energetic but not uncomfortable.

(My ego would like to interject one thing: I used the term "fever broke" in my journal the night(s) it happened back in feb, as well bewhich was well before the March 12 worldwide online meeting where john used it several times.)

That being said, certainly I do worry about this stretch of rapids I'm in. Hell, I even obsess about it. Sometimes a deeper, darker fear and dread come knocking, or a sudden "who in the hell ARE you and what the hell are you DOING" feeling, but I don't answer or argue to them and they go away.

Now, I have strong reason to believe that it's the very loss of this fear, the change of perspective when the fever broke, that has led me to this turbulent stretch of rapids. Rather than create a state of bliss and calm waters (which it did temporarily and I knew would pass) it has precipitated and stirred up these very rapids I'm in. If the fever hadn't broken, I'd still be paddling around in calm, comfortable, stagnant waters.

I've thought much about "Not my will by Thy will be done". Ramana Maharshi said it many times as did other sages. No need for me to even try to say what or who "Thy" will is, but I know it's different from "my" will because "my" will is NOT being done, and i know it's not my personal will that is making all this shit up. My will is navigating and worrying this stretch of rapids. Thy will is the course of the river, it is REALITY, what-is. It is not necessary for me to have faith in a benevolent "Thy" will. I am too busy navigating the rapids to even watch "Thy" will unfold naturally.

I still have strong worries and compulsions that I must follow "my" will -- the will of the individual ego navigating the rapids -- rather than hang on for dear life and ride the current of Reality, what-is, "Thy" will, which is as unaffected by my efforts and struggles as is the law of gravity or the course of the river, however frightening it is. Actually "my" will, my individuality, is an incredible gift that these days really awe-inspiring and exhilerating. "Thy" will be done is for me the same as saying "I have nothing at stake in this life." They are the same.


You refer often to "keeping life at arms' length". I've kept everything at arms' length all my life -- my roles, other people. I've pretty much always seen myself as separate and detached from everything and everyone. The only thing I don't feel at arms' length to is myself. It has always seemed to me that keeping everything except me at arms' length is necessary. Even when I am "in the zone" (playing tennis or something), I can still acknowlege briefly that I'm in the zone, which is the same as keeping it at arms' length, which is healthy. Let me know if I'm missing something on this.


I read this post and talked about it at the Worldwide Meeting on April 9, 2011.

You can listen to the entire recording in our podcast. Please let me know if more is needed.

in love,



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