Just One Look Forum Archives

I just got back from the meeting that John and Carla in Sedona. Thank you Jenine for setting it up. It was good to see everyone in person, and to get a good reminder about the changes that have been affecting me since I came across John's message about 5 years ago. He recommended I participate in the forums again, so here I am.

I've been taking a back seat here for a while. I used to have a lot of enthusiasm for this work, and still do, but a phase of recovery that I went through had me withdrawing from everything, and everyone.The awareness of my own stupidity came front and center, and for the first time in my life, I stopped talking. It also came to my awareness just how sensitive my body is to stress, so I made some practical changes in my diet, exercise, environment, and what medical advice I would trust, which helped. It is a challenge for me to be around people who are suffering. I feel everything more intensely now, and my automated defenses are weaker. I have no idea how to word this experience, but I suspect that some here will understand. It's different than all the "dark night of the soul" stuff I used to like to fantasize about. I'ts much more raw and real and intense.

But it is bearable. And I do, at the same time, notice a feeling of satisfaction that is also not wordable (I just made up that word...). I hear stuff like this a lot in these forums, and have been through many phases of similar happenings over the years. It it also quite noticeable that I do not engage in certain circumstances like I used to. In general, I do feel connected to life like I could have never imagined, and that was, and still is, a bit disturbing. It reminds me of how a guy who had been blind all his life, reacted when a medical breakthrough allowed him to see for the first time--he freaked out! This is overly dramatic I suppose, but similar. Over time and with practice, the guy who couldn't see fell in love with sight. John reminded me to practice moving my attention, for all the very practical reasons he recommends. I had been actually doing this on occasion, and have decided to step it up, because I know it works. I know that nothing sticks like it used too, and that this can only hasten the dissolving of some of the still lurking neurosis.

The highlight of John's talk for me was when he said that he noticed that something was missing. I had a deep emotional reaction to this statement, as I was reminded that this is the case for me also. Again unwordable, but worth telling, as best I can.

Thank you John and Carla for your constant pruning process! And everyone else too. John said to me once that "conversation is the greatest teacher." Back then I wanted to write a book, make a new religion, and create a following out of that idea. Now I'd just say that the idea is true enough...

Best

Mike

Dear Mike,

It was great to see you in Sedona. I'm really happy to see you posting here again.

Thanks Carla,

I'm happy to see you posting too. It's great that you are re-learning the guitar. I started playing again a couple of years ago when my son took an interest in music. Played a lot back in the 80's. We did a few shows locally and though I played okay, my body didn't do too well being up on stage. The anxiety was just too intense. I still love to play just for me though. Maybe someday I'll feel a little better about performing. I haven't tried it in a while. Maybe I should try again and see how it feels now. Your sharing made me think that something like that could happen for me too. Thanks!

I've been playing guitar off and on for decades, folk music. I have been playing once more a little bit, recently, and painting a lot!