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I don't know how I can say this accurately...

I don't know how I can say this accurately John. I mean, I don't truly believe my own narrative of this life to any great degree anymore. Not really knowing who that narrator is, other than me. The me-ness of me. And that 'me' right here has a tendency to take different stances according to mood etc.

Whilst looking this morning, take the medicine, and this has occurred to me before, that there is an awareness here, that kind of holds everything. And then there are the bits and pieces within it, the phenomena, or the content of awareness. But its a slippery creature, because that division of awareness, and the content of awareness, truly has no such division. Very subtle.

I have never had profound experiences of bliss or anything like that, and I know you will say 'thank goodness' and for so long I longed to join the ranks of those who had one so. I would go to meetings and find person after person recounting the most amazing 'oneness experiences' which served to fuel my story of failure over and over.

One of the greatest helps to me, was when you talked about 'Taking the medicine.' Since I read and heard you say that, I have at least been able to see the failure labelled as just more content, more phenomena, and not loaded with any greater or lesser accuracy that the rest of it.

Also, I no longer need to have some extraordinary experience to validate me. And the blessing of your clarity in finding me in this search has been to rid me of that line of endeavour or expectation.

I started all this way back in 1999, and I was passionate. So passionate. But the work was more often 'out there' and the determination was fleeting, still is sometimes, but Determination turned inward is at last something I know to be the direction to look. And it is with deepest gratitude and thankfulness to you that I am able to at least begin to the me-ness of me and open to all that may be.

Thank you sincerely, John and Carla.

Dean

 

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