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So far, so good

I do not really remember when was the first time that I did the looking. It should be somewhat around six months back I think but I'm not quite sure. At first I was not quite sure at all how to do it and if I did it. I didn't make a strong effort either so I couldn't feel anything. I did not make it into a practice but I just did the act when I felt like doing it, mostly in bed after waking up. When I began noticing something it was taking me back in time, into my childhood and youth. Pieces of memories just flared up and disappeared, randomly; I remembered situations that were not special as such, like walking home from a party in the stillness of the night or hanging around in my room on a sleepy sunday, almost bored but not really, just nothing interesting happening.

Then I got really sick for around one month, coughing like crazy, vomitting, headaches and pain in the limbs. I was afraid that this was something serious because it just didn't go away. However, during that time I had more time to focus on the act of feeling myself. It seems to me that during that time, or in times of sickness in general, my attention is more easily turned inward and the sense of me is experienced clearly and quite easily. This physical sickness was accompanied by a lot of emotional distress.

As for the effects,I now experience a new type of attention more and more frequently. It is hard to describe but attention is as wandering freely and does not want to stick to anything; it is quite satisfying, calm and gentle. And also I realized that it includes the sense of me without me having to turn inward; I am naturally aware of it.

As is said, it appears more and more frequently and brings a new taste to my life, as if the framework of me experiencing life is changing.

I have been in a difficult relationship for the last 11 years, but now this relationship is more satisfying than ever before. And simple things like talking a walk are becoming very fulfilling to me.

Thank you John and Carla, from the heart! Your work is so powerful because of the efficacy of the act of feeling the "me" that appears so thin and insignificant but is so profound as it is the foundation of our experiencing. And now I also understand that sharing in this forum is essential, even an integral part of the process of recovery.

Thank you John and Carla for making this happen and thank you all for sharing.

Peace.

Wolfgang

 

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