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Aspergers Vs. The Looking , anyone know ?

I have Aspergers. And it's really difficult most of the time for me to fit into society. And I mean this literally. As opposed to pure Autistics, I do have a desire to fit into society, and excel in certain few hard science subjects. Though I've tried working on my people skills for the last 10 years, I've come to realize I lack the violent demeanor, and aggressive attitude required to "fit in" to "normal" society.

I've discovered (way before I found John) , that the difference between Autism Spectrum people and NeuroTypical people (the rest of society) is their deep and intractable love of violence; psychological violence, structural violence, hierarchical violence, passive-aggressive violence (women's favorite choice IMO), and last but not least, the cave-man's favorite: physical violence. This is why you hear (if you bother to read autistic journals and blogs) that autistics and people with aspergers often feel they were born on the wrong planet.

Most of the time, in society, I am forced to act one way or another, in order to "fit in", lest I be attacked in some way. And the sickening and sad thing is I want to fit in and be a part of society, as backwards, and violent as it is. Or I used to. Because of the fact that I'll probably never stop being attacked, let alone being understood by anyone, I'd rather just get a small cottage out in the middle of no-where, and live out the rest of my life in solitude. The only time I feel at peace , here on this planet.

Fact is, it's so lonely on this planet, even when I'm in a crowd. People's stonewalling nasty and cold behavior is enough to kill my spirits for the entire day. And the next day I go out and try to live life, the same thing happens.

There are so many levels of evil in play on this planet, it boggles the mind, which is why, I think, people just flat out reject it. The state their species is existing in. A type of walking dead, frozen into zombified corpses by fear and violence, just acting as cold machines , trying to make things work, get money, feed the children, get more food to feed the dead zombie-flesh they inhabit, not being able to even taste or enjoy the food, the music, all the magnificent structures, buildings and technology this species has brought into being somehow. I know this because if people really did enjoy life, 99% of them wouldn't be walking around with frayed nerves just on the edge of going postal (I see a lot of people like this in society, I've grown very sensitive to other people's existential conditions) , white-knuckling their existence , everywhere they go. It's often frightening for me to even look at people. And most Aspergers people don't enjoy looking at people in the first place, as it makes them uncomfortable; but this existential nightmare people out living out right in front of my eyes, adds to the "discomfort", an understatement if you ask me.

There is a point to this long ramble of mine (feels good to talk about this, I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees this, I'm not crazy), And it is in regard to unprovoked, often direct violence from people you don't know. Which I experience a few times a week, due to my Aspergers. (Oh yes, I try to avoid people as much as I can, yet attacks still happen). I'm a very rational, logic-minded person; yet the way people interact with each other has nothing to do (I've realized) with logic or reason, or any type of rationality whatsoever. As an Aspergers person I've been trying to find a rational way to interact safely with people. The problem, it seems, doesn't lay with me "changing my ways" or "being less Aspie" or "hiding my Aspergers" from the neurotypical, violence craving zombie-types (not all but most are like this, and they will turn on you at the drop of a dime, there really is no safety around people). The problem lay with neurotypicals and their need for an easy outlet for their violence, (whatever form that may take). And it's no secret that bullies often choose the weakest of the flock to pull out all their tricks on. And when you're a quiet and peaceful Aspergers individual like myself that just likes to be alone, be quiet, study what I like to study, because I like to study it, and only interact with people I see are 98% sane, they see all that about me and do the figuring that "hey, that one's an easy target, heh heh, piece of cake

cont....d

Hi littleowl77,

I'm not an aspie, as you put it, but I can relate to you and let me assure you that a lot of people feel the violence and bullying caused by the fear of life, most people who are some way or another "different", anyway. People who have disabilities, different skin color from the majority, different sexual orientation...You name it.

I've discovered recently that I'm an HSP, a highly sensitive person. This is quite a new categorization (from -90s on by Elaine Aron) slowly gaining ground and it has helped me to understand my personality and personal history. Basically, HSP's aren't neurotypicals either. About 15 to 20% of the population belongs to this group, not only in humans but across many species. They have a neurological trait that makes them very sensitive to stimulus both from senses and feelings. They notice things others don't. They sense other peoples moods quickly, They get rattled easily. They're often thought as shy. They also get easily overstimulated and tired and want to withdraw. It's not easy to be an HSP and male in the Western society. But they have been essential to the survival of the species.

I'm also one of those who want to withdraw from society and people and just do what they love to do (study stuff that interests me and paint. Art is my vocation.) I've always felt I've had hard time to relate to people. It stresses me. But sometimes it's rewarding and then you get to feel lonely. But things have changed since the looking initiated a change. I'm happier alone now and I don't get as much bad feelings about people. I see their irrationality and aggression is caused by fear and it's not really their fault. You will see this in time. Look at your self and delve into knowing your power over your attention. Practice focusing. I believe it's possible to learn to live smartly with the conflict in your life.

These days I can be alone without shutting people off out of despair and disappointment. Relationships happens if they happen and I'm quite happy to leave it at that. Meanwhile I can do what I like to do most or whatever life makes me do (which includes being lazy without worrying about wasting my life too much, as I did before). There seems to exist a set of expectations of what we should be and do. It's nonsense. Life is way richer. Certain distance from the "mainstream" gives you more space to think for yourself, without trying to be different intentionally. With looking accomplished its job, you're free of the kind of trying many are trapped with. You can breathe a sigh of relief. But if you don't feel it yet, be patient.

Wish I had time to lounge around, I'm being forced into the pressure cooker that is our modern rat-race. The sad part about it is: nobody cares what other people do to you, through direct violence or structural violence. I love working, and being busy, and I have in the past, but not around obviously insane people, who seem to be most of the employers out there these days. I mean, in their literally treatment of you in their work environments, it's quite apparent you mean exactly ( or less than ) zero, and you'd better conform or we'll put you back out on the street to slowly starve to death again. What amazes me and horrifies me is the level of unemotional medusa like coldness and ease they seem to do it with. Just using you for their purposes (making money) and then giving you the boot, at the first sign of a "problem".

And sorry folks for the ranty atmosphere of this post, but my ultimate question, and it's somewhat of an existential paradox (probably others have realized before), I see everyone asleep and doing violence to innocent people, similar to a 1984 reality turned nightmare for those of us that want to divorce or eschew ourselves away from "the violence" that our unconscious host society has let us sink mercilessly into over the years and decades you've probably been living. Yet we live in close proximity (neighborhoods, jobs, etc.) to society, a cult that worships violence (of all stripes) and at all levels of society.

How does one deal with this ? The angry and insane apes around you who are constantly threatening you have you all in chains, and me too. Especially those in society who are and were given almost unlimited authority and power (of the system) over all others, in this supposed "democratic" society the mainstream keeps haranguing us about and trying to convince us of.

I've tried the neutral "No thank you, i will not play" approach or strategy, but that seems to make them angrier still, and gives them the insane notion that I owe them something, or thinking they have the right to malice an individual who's minding his own business, unless he "man up" and play the insane game with the aggressor. Which kind of validates his/her baseless grievances against you, ironically enough. Human Ape psychology is a tangled web of nightmarish and brutal "logic". You want to know why advanced life will never land here, on this rock. It's populated by rapacious, avaricious, dark-minded Apes who are really more a plague than cockroaches could ever be, if you think about it. Give us time and space and we'll invade and poison the homes of countless civilizations out there, if they exist. And "they" know that. I'm sure they exist. But they sure as hell not beaming down here in the midst of our medieval poo-flinging insanity to propound : "Take me to your Leader !!" ,

The ufo digression aside, does anyone know ways for poor people such as myself to avoid conflict, especially when it comes knocking on your doorstep with no provocation? Seems to be a thing with me, because of my Asperger's, even when I mind my own business, I seem to attract or at least just be the target of , this random trespassing and malice society has carefully, neurotically, and with some paranoia, tucked under their blouses and fake exteriors, to mete it out upon the weakest (or seemingly so) person they come across during the day. Or the other scenario, which is true too, that people are attacking one another constantly in society all the time, and I just happen to "not avoid" the violence and mayhem.

Any pointers ?

Thanks Seppo, I didn't know HSP existed. Non-autism , yet non-neurotypical people.

All the sensitivities you listed, I have. Probably multiplied by some factor perhaps.

And the confounding thing is that from appearances, I do look "totally normal".

Yes, I have made many significant inroads in learning and adapting to meeting people, social situations, figuring out the rules of interaction with neurotypicals, and more.

Yet I still get overwhelmed and have to withdraw. Which most employers are NOT ok with , and are not understanding about. I'm not lazy, in fact I work quite hard and diligently on whatever I do (and love :D).

It'll be a miracle if I can get an actual diagnosis from a doctor. Because of the greed and antithesis mankind displays daily , it's often not psychologically safe for autistics to openly seek a diagnosis, and most of us (like me) were actually curious to find out, and get official recognition, even if the neurotypicals are white-knuckle fisting their cash and running for the hills every time they hear "autism" or the like.

Well, if I'm going to be accused of being "greedy" , at least let me in on some of the sweet money you neurotypicals murder each other over, and I'll take the blame and fall for that.

As long as you NTs get over yourselves and let me enjoy the path of self-discovery, in respect to my condition and finding out what the medical community knows about it, and what I can do.

In an enlightened world, medical professionals would give all the info they have on conditions and illnesses, but we live in such a backward ape world that , .... they don't. Everything is looked upon with suspicion and aggressive competition. "Well, if we let him know what autism is, and what we know, he'll get all that free money, ... he doesn't have autism, he's just a lazy asshole." is the common orthodox retort. And before when I did have a good job (for 2 years no less) I had no interest in money, I was really curious about this autism thing, and why I seem to have about 95% of the characteristics and traits thereof.

But the system is f******d. At this rate I'll have to waste A LOT of money and run through many angry, ignorant, apish doctors (real big use their degrees gave them) and try to convince ONE of them to look into my autism. In short, mainstream society doesn't want you to have an autism diagnosis. Especially if you slipped through the cracks, as it were, and are an adult now. The reasons ? = competition and violence.

Little owl, there is no doubt that you have an extremely hard row to hoe, and I would not pretend to know what it is like to be afflicted by the fear as badly as you have been.

But I do know this. You are able to decline to attend to the insults you receive, and you are able to decline to attend to the ugliness of the fear-driven aggression of those around you, AND you can also decline to attend to the justifiable anger and disgust it triggers in your own mind. It will not be easy for you, but it is certainly possible.

I would advise you first to test the truth of my claim that you can choose where to put your attention by beginning a disciplined practice of working with your attention in the manner we have laid out in our ebook.

You might also want to reflect on the possibility that the aggressive stupidity of others that is the cause of so much misery in you is itself caused by the same underlying disease of fear that has afflicted you with different, less openly aggressive ways to hold at bay the horror of a life lived in an ever-present miasma of fear. Please read this text when you get the chance:

https://www.justonelook.org/natural/2015/10/whos-to-blame/

And please reply to my posting here to let me know if this is of any help to you.

From my heart I tell you that your best hope is to develop the deep self-reliance that comes from gaining authority over your attention. This no one can give you and no one can take from you.

John

Thank you John, for your kind and tempered words, as always. And thanks for letting me vent in here. I know it's not what you had in mind, but believe me, it has helped me a lot.

I don't like harboring bad feelings toward society, even against our primitive society of aggression we live in (probably no fault of our own), but society (and I've tried believe me) spares no outlet whatsoever for these things. Grievances with a bad system, young people who will continue to to grow up in this system and find obvious fault with it (being starved to death and treated as an indentured servant for your whole life will definitely do it), and many others who are just "being human" and naturally like to question things, and who would like to discuss with others: "why can't things be another way, perhaps ?" , etc. Seems people and society are really so bogged down by the fear and greed of the system that most of them probably don't even let their kids question anything about human society. Let the alone the nature of reality, that we do suffer, and what is the reason for this suffering, etc. All this is shut down, here , on our own private Planet of the Apes broadway production. The finest acting money can buy in this corner of the galaxy, all fueled by limitless fear.

I've been working with attention a few years before I found your work here online. Many attention exercises by Osho (my first real teacher, despite the controversy about his life). He and his teachings lead me to discover that in fact I do have this thing called attention, and how to work with it, and how to use it in meditations. Attention has a (previously unknown to me) powerful presence in the body, where ever you aim it. And I've learned even to focus my attention to one spot, in a long meditation form, that will "break through" eventually (if done right) do a truly blissful state of existence. Can't explain it, but it's almost like bliss is here, underneath our troubled everyday existence, and concentrated attention (done right) can burn a hole through the exterior pathology that encases us and bring us to bliss.

But this bliss is shorted lived, and doesn't really bring a real end to suffering. If it did, I probably wouldn't be here, and typing all this stuff that I'm typing now.

And you say, (to John), "It will not be easy for you, but it is certainly possible." which I will construe in the best possible light smily , even though it does (to me at this point in time) have a tinge of pity attached to it. And I'm sure that's not the way you intended for it to be perceived. Sorry, I'm just very sensitive to people who "pity" other people, and to me. Triggers resistance in me. I am, in fact, hoping, (against all odds no less), that it will be easy for me. At least it helps me to think that it will be easy. I mean, what's the point in thinking a thing will be hard, especially when I believe it is the path I must take to get through this obstacle in life? I was told math would be "hard" by a career advisor in college, turns out he had no clue what he was talking about. I swam like a fish in math, and loved learning it. I love you John, and not comparing you to that advisor smily . And while I'm on the topic...

I'm sorry to bring this up but, I think it's best to not tell people about what they think is "hard" or "difficult", I don't see how that can be helpful to them. People who are stuck and desperate. I never tell people (who I love or am trying to help) that they will find this or that difficult, etc. They will find those things difficult whether they decide to go through them or not. And me putting up a Danger Sign near the entrance to that road will only probably make them tread in fear along that road. I know this, I do this with people all the time, very mindful about NOT accidentally or purposefully putting up danger signs everywhere. CAUTION: RADIOACTIVITY AHEAD, YOU MIGHT DIE. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but I think there's something to this.

And I don't disagree with your teachings. Your teachings, or message, is the best one (and most realistic) out there, bar none, and I really mean that. I've surveyed and studied (even if cursorily) most people out there teaching spiritual (and non-spiritual) things. I don't have a degree in this, but I'd like to think I do know what I'm talking about to some extent. The looking is putting me through the ringer, and even to the point where I lose faith in the looking, but I keep looking. It's a weird process. And rather unexpected in many aspects. Sometimes I don't know which is affecting me more, bad events in my Life, or The Looking itself, running me through the gamut. Point is, I'm sure self-reliance will come of this looking, but I'm not so sure telling people (such as myself) who are still stuck in the fear and looking really for just any signs of hope, or light at the end of the tunnel, that self-reliance is the "goal". That's a really sour message, from where I'm standing. Being self-reliant is obviously a good thing. but calling attention to your eventual self-reliance seems like an obstacle (unintentional though it may be) to me. In a desperate state of being, people don't want to be self-reliant, they want peace and to be happy, somehow. I'm sure self reliance will aid in that greatly, but hearing "self reliance" somehow is not the most comforting.

I love your talks about gold constantly being dug up, about the Natural State of human beings, about "hey folks, this is the water you've been looking for" (amazing to hear that, really), and so many other wonderful things you've mentioned about the looking, or "the listening". I'm not a fan of "you will be self-reliant", even though that might be the case, the eventual outcome.

Anyways, my time is almost up on this computer. I'mma go see if I can find me some fresh wonderful water to drink smily

Ttyl

Thanks John,

I'll keep my attention on that, see what happens.

Little owl - I wouldn't know where to start, but you sound so much like me. I have no advice because I have never solved anything myself. I won't even say I know what you're going through because I hate it when people say that to me. Every person is hopelessly encased in their own spectrum of experience, and one persons worst day can be better than another's best day - and no one will ever be able to compare experience. There are things I simply can't explain to anyone. Like you, I probably look fine - under weight and unhappy, but able bodied - so no one will believe anything I try to tell them, which includes doctors. Oh I do have some advice: stay away from doctors unless someone has a reference for you, someone who can understand a little bit of what you struggle with, who is known to actually help. Doctors will do nothing but take your hard earned money in large chunks. If you do go, understand you are paying for their time, not their help. I also suspect that people like us with off-norm kinds of minds will have a long row to hoe with this looking. Nothing has gotten worse for me - my life has sucked rotten eggs from day one, and gotten progressively worse from there - so if it gets even worse from looking I wouldn't survive it. I have very few years left as it is, so if this takes 5 plus years I won't make it. Even if I do there won't be enough time left to have made it worth it. But if, as they say here, once you start there's no going back, then....I guess I'm doomed. Well I just wanted to tell you you're not completely alone. We'll prolly never meet, but if we did you might think I was one of the violent apes because I've had to learn to act that way to survive.

little owl, I like reading your posts. They are refreshing in their honesty and anger, not tempered by false moderation to conform.

 

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