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My experience with looking at me

I first heard John, and his message on YouTube while following a search thread that started with Eckhart Tolle, went to Ken Wilber, then Gangaji and finally John. This was in 2006.

I was immediately struck by his street smart and plain presentation. The no frills approach really resonated with me. I knew enough to know what he was talking about, and really appreciated how he stripped it of fluff and decoration.

I took to the suggestion to look at me, just me, immediately. It took a couple of months of fairly consistent ant constant effort to zero in on what John was asking me to look at.

The only real trouble I encountered was with the overwhelming simplicity of it. I often thought, "This can't be enough." However, this looking was the only thing that ever seemed to work for me. Occasionally I would find that I had constructed a very solid seeming object out of me and I would get sidetracked into considering this object which, obviously occurred outside of me. I would see that eventually and go back to actually looking at me.

After several months of looking I realized one day that life was a lot better. Nothing bothered me in a real way in the sense of nothing seemed fundamentally dangerous. I wondered if I was done with looking, but something kept me going. The tone of the looking changed because the urgency of fear was gone. So now it was more a matter of curiosity, and trying to find a way to say what has happened.

On the morning of January 1st, 2010, for no reason I can say, I was done.

Life is now a wondrous play and I really enjoy the party. There are ups & downs, but that's nothing new. There is still looking at me, but that's also nothing new. I see now, as John says, that looking at me is all that's ever happened. Life is life, I am here, and that's pretty cool.


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