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Dear John and Carla

Thought I’d just write and keep you up to date as to what is going on in the ‘looking’ for me. well first of all, I have to tell you that I nearly gave the ‘Just one look a miss’ and did not keep the interview with you. The thing was that I slipped back into the anger pattern again for a day and was very irritable the day before the interview was due, and I was extremely disappointed with myself. I told myself that the looking was not working, and that I was just kidding myself. That was me, once again slipping back into the negativity that has always been my habit.

Then I reasoned with myself, and started to take into account all the good things that had happened over the last couple of years; how in spite of that bout of anger my life has become so sweet, and mostly my mode of being is based on happiness these days, and each day feels like a gift; how the drinking, and cannabis habits have fallen away, and even my fear of heights has faded out, and how my loved ones tell me that in spite of this relapse, I am so much easier to live with these days. My lady pointed out to me that even these bouts of anger were a lot shorter than they used to be, and that I had good reason for getting angry when I did. So I did turn up for the interview on Saturday and I am right glad that I did.

I think that I missed the point a bit, as I came down with this attitude. I now realize that the point of the looking is to rid myself of the fear of life, and I realized that I had indeed, made great headway in this direction. Up until about a year ago these periods of absolute dread had taken over me, for seemingly no reason at all, and caused me so much misery; but now these periods do not show up any more. I now have pains and maladies in my body that give me great cause for anxiety, yet when this anxiety does show up, it stays for just the briefest time, these days.

Even when I consider my anger problem I consider what my doctor told me, that my anger was caused by an adrenaline problem and is not a psychological matter at all. This [he said} was why the kind of PTSD that we vets get is considered incurable. It seems that we guys seem to get upset by the smallest things. Well I am glad to say, that this no longer is true of me, I admit that once I get angry I am hard to appease, but the anger bouts don’t come so easily these days, and it takes quite a bit of prodding to anger me; so I have decided to be kind to myself and cut down on the negativity.

Another negativity I have is my dislike for people, which stemmed from my childhood, and also my nine years in the army Where we diggers were spat upon by people in the street because we had fought in a very foolish, and unjust war. I feel a lot of this subsiding now, and although I have no wish to get close to others yet, I have a lot more tolerance these days for others, although my hatred for authority is still a problem for me. I really hate the sheep mentality also and I am far too fond of telling folk this.

All in all though I have come a very long way in these last couple of years, and have exceeded all my expectations, and I am very thankful to you and Carla for helping me get this far. I guess that I am far too impatient, and I am doing my best to remedy this trait now. I now realize that it took me a lot of years to pick up these problems and so it will take a while for these things to go. I also realize that the more one fights these problems the stronger they get, so I will just keep on with the ‘looking. and see what happens.

I know one thing for sure, my love for everything around me is getting more enhanced, even some of the plainest things have now become beautiful, and my appreciation of life has increased one million fold. My awareness of me has also increased a whole heap, and now I can zone into me so very easily without ever having to ask the questions. This to me seems so very beautiful. Osho {who I read a lot of} once told me that when I am sitting there watching the TV or such to try to become aware of myself and everything around me at the same time; this always gave me a sense of ‘me’ and still does, and it is a whole lot easier for me to do these days. Also it is so easy to meditate these days and I can do this just for the sheer joy of it for hours every day {I am a pensioner and have plenty of time for these things these days}

One thing that puzzles me though is that although I have written songs and verse for a very long time, and this was very important to me, I now have lost all interest in these things, and other than writing words for my very beautiful wife, I do nothing more these days, and I have a problem understanding why this has come about. It doesn’t perturb me much, but still I wonder. These days it seems to me I have much more interest in just watching life.

I hope I have not taken up too much of your time with these words of mine, but sometimes it is extremely gratifying to write like this to people who understand these things. Thanks for listening guys….Your very good friend, Peter.

 

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