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Positive signs that fade

I've read a lot of reports from people saying that they have ups and downs in recovery, where they start to believe that everything is starting to clear up, only for it all to crash back down.

This seems to of happened to me a few times now. It's like either I am now going to be fixed or I am still broken...

'm convinced something has changed in me, something undetectable, (as I really can't remember exactly how I experienced things before I tried it) but the same S*** that has always troubled me still lingers on.

Anyway, this is what i think happens when we start getting our hopes up; We start having a new belief that the 'looking is now working' and then we reinforce that belief by looking at all the positive things that arise. This could be a way of behaving or a general feeling, a little happier about things. I think this is what cognitive therapy and most self help teaches us to do. For me, I did it by accident because the 'belief' that the looking is working was obviously very real. Self help might try to teach someone that ''they are worthy and loved'' for instance.

I don't want to go on about this too much as I think it could confuse some people. But anyway, I wonder who can relate to this? I also wonder how focusing attention has anyhting to do with this or could have anything to do with this...

I felt really optimistic a few weeks ago because I 'believed' something was working. And then guess what, it crashed and I found myself withdrawing and hatign everything again. Regradless of whether I believe it to be working or not, if it's worked, it's worked. I'm not concerned about that anymore. i'm just concerned whetehr we could use our minds during recovery to get a bit of joy out of life.

This is quite a messy post so apoligese. i had to rush as I have limited internet time. Peace out

If you're human, there really is no hope.

You're mind is still running in negative mode (human mode).

And you're still at the mercy of the latest and local thug on your block.

But, funny enough, I care less and less, the more whatever is happening to me goes on.

This week I slept like a newborn baby.

Maybe it's the looking,

Maybe it's just how life is going right now.

Just can't seem to prove anything right now.

I just want to add, I didn't mean 'undetectable', I meant subtle, maybe something really big but nothing I would describe as greatly 'positive' in the usual sense. Obsessing over the future and worry seems to of gone, I live my life mostly in the present and at times I just sit with myself quietly in solitude doing absolutely nothing. Bizzarely, it feels fine. I don't think I could of done that a few years back without being freaked out and most people would label this neagtive behaviour I think. it's not, it's quite nice feeling that at ease...but anyway, it's being round others which is still very difficult, or so it seems.

The up and down pattern is true for me as well. Sometimes, more and more of the time, it's smooth sailing and no worries, then we hit a trough and feel that everything is being undone. The way I see the looking is that it is like a depth charge going off at the core of our being. Seeing ourselves at the core is subtle, yes, but also the most powerful thing we can do. The reverberations of this charge move upward and outward through us into our world, as barriers come down and our understanding of who we are expands. The internal changes are hard at first as the fear is intertwined with our DNA and muscle fiber. We hold psychological pain throughout our bodies and minds and this has to be undone. This feels like a huge cathartic process in the midst of which we want to feel good (I know the feeling). Actually, the fact that we don't feel worse is probably amazing.

So, yeah. It's major reconstructive surgery and we come out differently and in some ways we need to get to know this new person and our new world. Then we have to deal with the fear in others and in our external world, which can be painful as we expand and barriers come down. The longer this process goes, the more I see the enormity of it and also the simplicity. We don't have to do anything besides endure the rough patches and be a fair witness to the process. No prayers or practices. Right now I am finding it easier to be alone as well Jim, and rather difficult to be with others. I pick up on their pain and confusion and sometimes mistake it for my own.....I think. I think the only thing we can do is be easy with ourselves and this process. I keep a loose journal, which is helpful to note changes as they happen and realize things are moving in a positive flow.

I'm glad for some of the positive signs you are seeing, littleowl, and hope they continue. It's good to hear from you again.

"Bizarrely, [or not] it feels fine"... yes in moments me and my life are just fine after just one look at me. This life is you, is me after the looking at me. So check it out. As fine as you are--only explodes any and all thought to the contrary in moments of arising. And the product of this heat endured is a life that..."Bizarrely, it feels fine". You are not only fine now but also you simply cannot be otherwise no matter whatever thought arises after just one look at me. It really is the medicine. And after a while all these thoughts of checking or not checking to see if the looking is real may continue or not but after a while they are just sand in the box of the mind--while you walk into the kitchen to make a great meal or talk to your lovely wife--soon. A life is where you can walk into room-- even while the grand piano of the mind is rifting through or heaven or hell simultaneously.

Thank you Paul, Thank you Jackx! Always nice to read your comments...

My mind is very quiet. I don't worry much these days. I am more bothered about the constant sigh of existing which I endure each day. I am feeling so listless like what's the point. The idea of changing to fit into our society used to be my drive to go out there and have fun and I seem to have lost that. I really don't know what is happening to me. I am tempted to experiment with psilocybin mushrooms to see how this might affect my personality/general mood.

It's like I'm starting to view my character in a play at times. I've seen myself exhibit predictive repetitive behavior before but it's like the strings are being cut from the puppet. What I think is really cool is that none of us can really use words to describe what's happening except for that it's happening. Perfect explanations elude us. Right brain? Who cares.

These are great posts. I can relate to every one of you! Thank God because everyone else in my immediate circle doesn't quite get me these days! Lucky to have a very supportive spouse (who I believe did the looking while he was quite young!) I am also functioning much much better when I can sit in silence and look, or not, just feeling at peace. Crowds require quite a bit of energy, negative people and television reallllly are a challenge. Sometimes I miss being able to engage in those things but the desire to do so doesn't really show up.

Good days, bad days. Even that is relative. I agree Bradley, it is almost impossible to use words to describe this. Even anxiety seems to serve its purpose. Whereas before the looking the anxiety seemed to make me the victim, now the anxiety is just a process that I watch. It almost feels like its old held onto stuff that is just leaving. And I say "don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!" (A little levity always helps too!)

Great to have a supportive spouse. The looking will have to do a lot more work (you know what I mean) before my wife would even begin to hear about it, as much as I hope that day will come. I've read on here somewhere about a dude who's partner left him and he attributed it to them both starting the looking at the same time. Ouch.


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