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Some thoughts on my 'doing the looking,' and the use of cannabis

Dear John and Carla,

Dear John and Carla,

Thought I'd write this just to keep in touch and let you know how things are going with me. I never join in your meetings, as to do this as it is out of my comfort zone. I am a much better writer than I will ever be a talker, and I have no questions really.

When I first listened to your podcasts from two thousand and six, you told me that I was as awake now as I ever will be, and all I had to do was start looking at me, and this I have done faithfully ever since. I have listened to every pod cast that I could ever get my hands on since I first heard of you, and all the questions and answers seem to be on these pod casts. I never miss a day without listening to at least one of your pod casts, and I find this gives me the inspiration to keep up with the looking.

I used to read stuff on so many spiritual teachers, but I never ever wanted to follow anyone, or put them on a pedestal; I just wanted to find out how to get a piece of what they had myself, so I could live a peaceful and harmonious life, which is all I have ever wanted. Then you came along, John, and your way was so very simple. I realized that what you were telling me to do was something I had always done, although without a clue as to what I was doing.

When I was a child, whenever I was in trouble, or whenever something big happened I would find myself in that space. Even when I used to try so hard to clear my mind in my meditation practice, I found that I could never get the concentration to do what was asked of me, but I would oh, so often find myself looking at me, in between the many thoughts that touched my mind. I used to wish that this was what meditation was all about, instead of having to concentrate on some point, but I knew that it was no good being self reliant, I had to do what was prescribed for me by those who seemed to know. Then you came along and told me to do what I had always done, only to do it consciously.

Although I used to do the looking, without knowing what I was doing, it never seemed to have much effect on me excepting that I seemed to have more of a bonding with life than most of the people I knew, and I found myself living in my own world most of the time. It is only since I started consciously doing the looking that it seems to have brought about the changes that I have always been looking for. I used to worry so much that I could never do the meditation and that my mind was so filled with thoughts all the time, and sometimes I still worry about those countless thoughts, but they seem to make no difference to my looking. I find now that whenever the thoughts stop for a moment I am right back in me, and it all seems so easy for me these days. I feel that I am doing all that needs to be done, and that the questions no longer have to be asked; I AM HERE and that's it. I know with all my heart and soul that this is all I need, and it is only a matter of time before the fear all goes away and my life will get more and more beautiful. Some things seem to be written in one's being, it just takes something, or someone to unleash the longing that is always there. You, as well as many other beautiful people have done this for me, and I owe many thanks to so many.

I still have this thing about people, though, I find that as I do the looking my need to interact with others is getting less and less, which is a bit of a worry, because I have never been a particularly sociable person, except for the times when I was drunk. The difference is though, that I never used to mix with others because I felt bad about myself. This is no longer the case, I just feel that the people that I used to interact with, I cannot relate to, as their vision of life is so much different to mine. I have never had time for sport, nor money and other such things that those around me seem to spend their times talking about, and when I touch on the things that appeal to me, no one shares my interest and most think of me as a tiny bit weird.

I find that now nothing or no one can take away the great happiness that I feel; I no longer feel the need to impress others in any way, and all my many images of what I am seem to have dropped away. I used to write songs and poetry about everything that's anything, and this was my life. It was so very important to me that others should think of me as gifted; now none of this matters, I am just in love with life. The only thing I feel that I have the need to write about is my lovely wife who I ill treated so much in the days gone past, the only goal in my life now is to make that lady feel cherished and worshiped. That and the looking are the only things that really make sense to me these days.

John, I have listened to some of the pod casts in which you touched on the subject of drugs; I have heard the questions asked about the effects of cannabis on the looking, and I would like to put in my two pennyworth about this. Well I first started taking the wacky baccy because I found that it seemed to help me meditate, and seemed to enhance this very much. Even when I started the looking, I seemed to find that it actually enhanced this, and I thought I really needed this substance to help me look at myself. Well, I have not touched the stuff now for about three months, and I have found that this has enhanced my meditations and the looking one hundred fold. Now everything seems so very crystal clear and I cannot even begin to imagine why I ever had the need to take the drug. Let me tell anyone who asks these questions, that after nearly forty years of using this substance, I have found that one really does not need this in their lives; in the long run it makes one vague and docile [or it did me] and takes away a lot of ones interest in life.

Well I think I will leave you with this, and stop the waffling. I thank both you and Carla for the tremendous inspiration you have given my life. I am now a life long reader of your pod casts, and all the while you are here, I will be showing an interest in what you say. And always, yes, always I will be doing this looking.

All the best,



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