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The sweetness of the looking, what is occuring with me

Dear John and Carla,

I haven't been on your forums lately, because I could not seem to log in, I thought it was the computer stuffing up. But as usual I wasn't doing it right (I'm not very good with computers and such) But anyway, I am here now to share with you what has been happening to me with the 'looking'

Well, not too much has changed in my life, but it does seem to get sweeter, and sweeter with each new day. It is Spring here in western Australia, and I have been spending a lot of time in my beautiful garden. You know, before I cam across your words, I just could not sit still and do nothing. I always had to be writing, or walking, playing music or some such thing, I had to smoke the wacky baccy, or drink the beer just because the boredom was so high and my mind just could not rest. Now I can sit all day and do absolutely nothing but watch the world go by, or get involved in the looking. In fact my lady told me that she thought it is weird that I could just sit all day and do nil. I have always had a feeling of the being at one, with nature, and have had this feeling of wonder at all the beauty around me; but now this has expanded so very much; often I sit in the garden and get so enmeshed in the beauty of it all, that words could not possibly explain the incredibility of it all.

The most that I can say about the looking is that it has made my life such a treasure to be part of. I often think that there is nothing but me, and everything is me, though the other side of my mind knows different and thinks that I am going crazy by feeling this way. I talk to my wife, and my daughter (who lives with us) and I try to explain how I feel; they are extremely tolerant of my waffle, and I think that they really do try to understand, but I know that they are completely lost to my way of thinking. So then I end up asking if they think that I am crazy. They tell me 'no' and I believe they really mean it, but my way of being off key to the rest of the world (I must admit) Makes me wonder at times if I am insane or not. I take it by reading what you say on your pod casts, that I am probably coming sane in the real meaning of the word, and so I just go along with what is happening, and by gosh, I really do enjoy the beauty of it all.

When I went into this program, I was hoping that it would completely change me and make me tolerant towards the rest of the world, and maybe take away my self opinionated nature. However after well over two years of the looking I find that I am still more or less the same in this regard, although not as much inclined to let others hear me so much. What I have found, however, is that my way of beating myself up all the time about these things, has almost faded into the dust of yesterday. I am accepting myself more and more with each new day that comes along, and although I seem to have toned down a little in my ways of approaching others, I also know that this is my personna, and I am stuck with it. It now has become just part of the story, though at times the story seems to lack reality. I just cannot take my life too seriously these days, and I think that there is something to laugh about in almost anything.

Another thing I used to suffer from, one hell of a lot was guilt. Guilt has followed me all my life, and I always seemed to have something to feel guilty about. This has changed immensely now, however, and although I most definitely do have remorse over the way others have suffered through me, I have no more of that terribly debilitating guilt that I have always had.

Anxiety has always been another thing I have suffered badly from. My life was once brim filled with fear, absolutely debilitating fear. I used to break out in cold sweats at the most trivial of things, and this sense of dread that always came would make my life a misery at times. This is all gone now, although on the odd occasion I can feel it beginnings. Now, I just know that nothing can hurt me, and this is indelibly printed in my heart. When anxiety or fear do show their faces, it is almost laughable these days, they seem to fade out as soon as they come.

In regards to the looking, I have had no beautiful visions of any kind, and as of yet I have had not had the terror you speak of either, and sometimes I think that maybe I aught to have met up with something along these lines. Then I think that maybe the looking is not working for me, in spite of the other things that are happening. I was always very frightened of meeting up with the terror that some speak of, so it would be quite nice for me not to ever have these experiences. But I still keep wondering why I do not experience them, in spite of you saying that this does not happen to everyone. the mind it seems loves to make problems, and even when something is working out right it will pick holes, I guess this is just the nature of it.

The looking is so very easy these days, I do three lots of concentrated looking, along with meditation two or three times a day, Though most of the rest of the day it doesn't come as often as it used to. Mind you I find that I am always very much aware of 'me' it is just as you said in the metaphor of the white paper. Maybe that's why I don't consciously ask the question that Many time. I always seem to just know that 'I am here'

I still have this dislike of people in general too, I find that I am a lot more tolerant of folk, but still this life long distaste is there. I find that the looking has made me shun peoples company and not want to speak to or socialize with them. I find it absolutely intolerable to be around negative people, and I only wish to converse with those who have something in common with me. I seem to shun everything that this society does, it all seems so trivial to me, and I can't get my head around many of the things that others think of as normal.

Still, it is early days yet and the 'looking' seems to have given me a great faith for the future. It took me a lot of years to become the person I am and I suppose that any changing that is going to happen will take a lot of years, also. All I can say is thanks to both you and Carla for showing me the way home, my life is so very sweet now, that even if it did not change one tiny bit more from now on, I am more than happy with what has happened to my life so far. I thank you both most graciously and have to say that I am indebted to you both. I always try to share your words with others and tell them about the 'looking' but so far no one has ever been really interested. However I will keep talking without being pushy, it might not be lost to them at all really, and may be staying their in their deepest souls, who knows?

I really and truly do see where you are coming from when you talk about the fear of life coming from the beginning of a persons life. I have always thought that all our angst is caused by the trip through that birth canal (which I am told is the most dangerous journey one will ever make) followed by all the noise and lights etc that each of us is thrown into; then of course There's the parents and other authorities trying to make each one of us conform to the rules and regulations of a rather insane society. What a bombardment of missiles does assail us each in our childhood years. No wonder we are all half baked, and live our lives in torment.

Thanks for reading all my waffle, sometimes it feels good to share with others what is special to me….

All the best,

Peter

Dear Peter

Thank you for your report. It has brought such a smile to my heart and warmth of recognition. Your honesty is very touching. I understand completely when you say how hard it is to be around negative people. I now find it extraordinary that there is such a simple solution to the fear which plagues the human life. We do live in an amazing time when it is feasible that this solution can be shared with everyone on the planet.

Best wishes,

Sue

 

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