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I think I've been afraid of life for, literally, most of my life

I think I've been afraid of life for, literally, most of my life. I am 53 and don't know how I got there so seemingly quick. I've never really enjoyed anything for more than a few minutes since I "fear" that something will disturb it or steal it away. Inevitably, a joyful moment recedes into reality then I long to experience it again. I attempt to recreate the environmental factor in order to simulate or produce the joy but this has never been possible. Life for me has been a near constant internal chatter that almost seems to prevent experiencing happiness for fear of its loss with the ongoing angst of being defensive and trying to prepare for or fix problems that have yet to occur. Seems that virtually everyone I talk with have variants of this condition.

A.

That's a great confession. It may help to "see" the mind as a separate structure as you start from scratch. That's where I started. Later, after fully acknowledging what I had become and giving expression to my emotions and feelings, I came to John Sherman's teachings--the end of the line for us seekers--and that fear and chatter dissipated. After awhile, believe it or not, you'll stop trying to improve yourself. One principle that I feel has stayed with me and has benefited me from time to time is that the answers lie within and will not be found outside you. If for no other reason that's a good one for looking. Enjoy your trip.

I have felt this way as well, all of my life--and in addition to the fear about not "really enjoying anything for more than a few minutes," I've always been aware of an ever-present fear about being in this body--I was always afraid of my body being injured, sick, etc. It often seemed that I was fighting a losing battle, that I know this body is going to age and die, no matter how I try to keep that fact at bay.

Since I started the Just One Look that John suggests in October of last year, my fear is still present from time to time, but I am more calm now and aware of the truth that everything I experience is "coming and going." And that this body is not alone--that it is a means for me to experience life, not all of life itself.

John calls the Looking a medicine, and I am "taking" this medicine and beginning to see how Life opens a clear path before me now, with only my attempt to "focus my awareness on what it feels like to be me" as often as I can. Often I see how this Looking is Looking me, with no effort at all from me.

I hope this is helpful for you.

Best,

Dawn

Love that Dawn.

"I see how this Looking is Looking me, with no effort at all fom me."

I have been many years meditating and reaching deep states of silence always assuming this was a preparation for ???

Anyway such a fuss about what I now see as so simple, so effortless, me. Maureen

Me too, Maureen. I efforted mightily meditating and being silent and everything else I could think of to get to the state that I thought the teachers were talking about--only to find that when I Look at Me, there is no effort at all!

My life is sometimes beautiful and sometimes frustrating, but as soon as I remember to Look--verything becomes silence and I am simply resting in the midst of it all, safe and sound.

with love,

Dawn

 

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