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My report

Hi everybody.

I am here today to finally write my report. I hope you can read my English, for today I am just trying to get a flow in the writing and not concentrate on the spelling.

I am 35 years old and living in northern Europe. I have lived in Sweden all my life until last year when I moved to Denmark, where I now live with my dear Anne. She is my wonderful friend in life.

My life and history have been filled with craziness and suffering. I experienced my childhood as a big confusion. My parents were no monsters, the confusion was in me. I could not understand what was going on and how to relate to it. And this has been my experience in every stage and station of my life. Alcohol and drugs came naturally to me. They made it easier for me but it came at a high price. I started to sell drugs and live an extremely criminal life. Thankfully, I was not a very successful criminal or drug dealer. Organization and money wasn't the real drive for me, I just wanted to escape from my self and the world. The police took me of course.

The first five years in prison was a real hell for me. I couldn't escape here in the same way as before. But here I found medicine. I totally lost the sense of a world outside the prison. Many people in prison who were in my situation, young with long time to do, reacted outward and became aggressive or just very "outward". I turned inward and became 100% identified with my suffering and bad mental health. I remember when it was really bad, how I wished to change to a real "outward" war instead of this inner war. "If only I could act in this war and to do something to defend myself"

In total, I was in prison for 10 years, 2000-2010. The last 3 Years or so things started to get better. I came in contact with spirituality. I did a 30-day silent retreat in the prison. A priest started this with the inspiration from Ignatius of Loyola's spiritual exercises. At the same time, I also was involved in Tibetan Buddhism. And Buddhism got me so strong that I decided to be a monk in a monastery in France. I had nothing; no identity, no social status, no home or money, no wife or kids or friends. Hell, I was already a monk, haha!

But things changed, as they always do. When it was time for me to be released I met a man who worked with people like me, he offered me to live with him in the first critical time after many years behind bars. And I am so glad that I sad yes. I can now see more clearly than ever that he is a man with no fear of life. He is just amazing. He is 75 years old and just sparkling with life. He is now my best friend. And he also gave me John's book, meeting Ramana Maharshi. I worked with that for one year and meditated with my friend and had conversations that gave me a whole new situation.

The monk in me settled down, even though I see him from time to time. I have looked at my self for some time now. I can feel when I write this that it has happened so much for me. Before, when I should express myself of my history it was and felt very complicated and impossible to tell about. I still have times with suffering and confusion and I must say that it can still be tuff to handle. But something has definitely changed.

John and Carla's work are so intimate to me. I have listened to the podcast and read everything again and again. And I just know that this work is here to stay in me and in all who give it a chance. And that we also have this community to meet in and give and take is also wonderful.

Thank you all for reading and take part of me and my life.

I love you all...

Niklas.

Hi, Niklas

Niklas from Sweden

I had nothing; no identity, no social status, no home or mony, no wife or kids or friends. Hell, I was allready a monk, haha!

I've never been imprisoned, but I found myself giving up those things anyway. Curious how we can come to the same place for different reasons.

Niklas from Sweden

I met a man who worked with people like me, he offered me to live with him in the first critical time after many years behind bars.

And he also gave me John's book, Meeting Ramana Maharshi. I worked with that for one year and meditated with my friend and had conversations that gave me a hole new situation.

How wonderful to hear your story. I love happy endings!

Niklas from Sweden

The monk in me settled down, even though I see him from time to time. I have looked at myself for some time now. I can feel when I write this that it has happened so much for me. Before, when I should express myself of my history it was and felt wery complicated and impossible to tell about. I still have times with suffering and confusion and I must say that it can still be tough to handle. But something has definitely changed.

Yes, it changes. And life gets better. My life has not gotten better from an "outside" or material standpoint. The same stresses and problems come and go. Some of the problems are life itself and some of the problems are from within, created by me. But, my reaction to the problems is different. They actually become friends, leading me back to the truth.

The looking becomes a habit after a while. Then the mind automatically looks at itself when stress arises.

Niklas from Sweden

John's and Carla's work are so intimate to me. I have listened to podcasts and read everything again and again. And I just know that this work is here to stay in me and in all who give it a chance. And that we also have this comunity to meet in and give and take is also wonderful.

Let me appoint myself representative of this community and welcome you with open arms.

Thank you so much for your post.

Warmest regards,

David

Niklas from Sweden

I love you all

Niklas.

No one could read this and not love you too.

Hi David,

Thanks for your words!

I really agree with what you wrote about having different backgrounds and still ending up at the same "place". It is really a evidence that the looking leads to us, just as we are, regardless of where we come from or how our history looks like.

The relationship with my personal history has definitely changed over time. As the feeling of me gets stronger the history seams to get weaker. I see where this is going. We all know that there are a lot of spiritual explanations and words for this, regarding me and my history. But this is really what is happening. I feel that the feeling of me is replacing me as my history.

But at the same time it is more interesting than ever to look in to the past. To just look back and see oneself running around like a madman in a big crazy jungle, looking for a way out. Haha.

Ok David, thanks again for for your answer. I can really feel the value of this forum. To just be able to write about all of this in a normal human way, and not as a big debate.

My best,

Niklas

 

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