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Changing

Hello,

I have been looking since the end of last year. On one occasion, using the suggestion to get a sense of me now and a sense of me as a child, I experienced the absolute sameness of the two. I keep looking on a daily basis, but I feel that that was the occasion on which the looking did its job. Since then things carry on. However, the most noticeable thing is that I find more of what is not me. On examination, almost everything is in flux and changing - body, circumstances, thoughts...Last week my computer died and since I run an online business with orders in daily, I hit a major panic. But the panic was clearly not me. The anxiety, stress and worry happened as usual, but, and this is rather hard to explain, they were like a cloud that contained no specific me in it. It didn't lessen the feelings but I watched them with interest.

Best wishes to all,

Emma ~

Yes, that's it for me too as I see it. We run into trouble when we personalize the feelings that arise. Even feelings of happiness and exuberance don't belong to us in the sense we are them. Passing through, we are unaffected, just as you are unaffected by the loss of your computer. Of course there will be anxiety and unhappiness arising, and we are free to utilize any techniques or practices we have picked up along the way to deal with them, but the real issue is what are we to be experiencing such things? Are we empty vessels through which all feelings and emotions pass? Are we awareness? I bedevil myself with these questions and have done so since taking up with John's teaching. I hope I never am satisfied with answers. trimpi

I found the same very useful.

When I have a difficult/emotionally painfull time I look at myself and see that it is the same me as, as everytime I look. Usually then the pain goes away faster. I might be using the looking with wrong motivation (to get rid of the pain, instead of seeing me but I don't see that motivation always. Sometimes it is with the motivation to see me, that I really want to get to know me again, but the pain goes away faster just as a biproduct, I think. But if my thoughts ask me "well what is this that is the same" it can't find an answer, then I get frustrated and maybe there are new thaughts saying "you are looking in the wrong way" but I am beginning to give up the search to find "me". Just excepting that I am the same, but I know it in another mysterius way, not like knowing when I see other things. Like seing a car or something. I look at me. I know that I am the same, but a different kind of knowing. I just hope I am doing this the correct way because I really want to know me, and live my life, in a sane adventurous, loving way, with my family and friends, that I hope/feel is possible. I think buried the hope in my youth, under my fear and pain, but it never died. Thanks for sharing.

trying harder

to Karsten and trimpi

It's certainly very tempting to use the Looking as a way to get rid of bad feelings, depression etc. and I've occasionally tried it with that intention.

Mostly I was hung up on wanting to be a different person, more likeable, whatever.

However it doesn't seem to really matter whether I do it just for the sake of Looking or with some objective in mind.The Looking is always

the same because it's just YOU and it's always YOU. The way you were as a child and the way you are now and since the Looking is just a shifting inward

of attention trying "harder" (trimpi) doesn't accomplish much if anything at all. This is not said to discourage you from doing whatever you think will bring you to the looking but that "trying" seems to me to be unnecessary. John's words about not being able to get it wrong have always been a source

of comfort and encouragement to me.

The other thing is I would suggest you not try to define yourself. It's something I've looked for and never found, a real sense of WHO I AM. I found a lot of definitions but none of them were satisfying. But the Looking doesn't seem to be about that. In fact this is what drew me to this act is that fact that I could stop trying to figure all that out. It was great relief to me. "Whew. I don't have to do that anymore." It was alright not to know. Of course it took a while for the entire project to dissipate but it's definitely on its way out.

A lot of things go on during the process of recovery so I respect where you are coming from and just offer this as a something that may be helpful.

Antony

Karsten, I honestly and truly believe that motivation is irrelevant or that there is an incorrect way to look at yourself. Thinking you are or may be doing it wrong is the apparatus (what you think as being your control center) at work. You can't outthink that either; just give it time and it will subside until it becomes a random thought. trimpi

Thank you for sharing.

I am doing the looking every day now.

There seems to be less energy to do other things, acomplishing woork, or private things. It feels kind of like a depression, but not really. Hard to explain. Sometimes my mind says I am on the path to loneliness and failure, as opposed to the rest of societies who are constantly trying to get more, become better, but I really need to know myself. Maybe energy will come back for me to take part in society and life again.

I used to do that, but I felt lost and the fear of life got stronger and stronger. So even though it is scary to be alone and use my energy on looking, there seems to be no choice, so I will keep on looking.

This will pass, Karsten. My experience was an extreme version of the same as you report here, and in the end, it all went away, leaving no trace.

John

Senses

Hi Emma

I have been very engaged with my childhood since I started looking only 2-3 weeks ago. I am also experiencing similar to you regarding panic. I live in a very stressful situation and have found that the looking calms me immediately which is good as I was taking beta blockers for this.

I started a thread in the 'looking' discussion called 'childhood looking'. Some of the members have posted some really great insight into what this has been like for them, this has been helpful to me

Hello Fiona,

This is a late reply I am afraid. I often feel the urge to write something in the forums, but really there is not much to say. The medicine is working in its own sweet, idiosyncratic way.

For me, I notice the lack of things. That is, the panic feeling not attaching to the fundamental me. Also, the lack of ability to describe any of this to anyone lol! Sometimes the change is quite marked - I have invested years and many £s in the spiritual quest (probably like many here) and now, when I look at my shelves of books, I feel the great weight of it all - like a long route march carrying a huge burden. All those words! All that thinking! This after dedicating my life to the spiritual search. Now I am not quite sure what to do with that absence of spiritual seeking - maybe get a dog! At least the exercise would be better than putting my head in a blender for hours every day...smily

With best wishes to all,

Emma ~

 

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