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Finally I got in. Those security questions are to hard for my European brain. How many is a dozen?

Well at least I know which continent France is in...

My name is Karsten. I am 38 years old and from Norway in Europe. I wanted to say hi and give my big appreciation to John for his help. I have been listening to his podcast for a week now. I have been interested in knowing what life is, who I am, where I come from all my life. When I was a child I may times pondered this. Can the universe end? Then what is behind that? Where do I come from? What am I?

well 2 years ago I got into nondual teachings, and have used the tecniques there, I have used "recognice my ever present awareness" which was helpful. As I was wondering what I was, I found out that the common demnominator was that everything connected to me throughout my history and memory was experiences. If there was something outside what I had experienced I could not know of it! All there has been is experiences of different kinds and I found out that the common thing in all experiences is that there was "a knowing" of them. An awarenes, wakefulness or whatever we call it. This must be something basic to me. I have the ability to be know/be aware. If there is something I can't experience, how can I ever know about it? So my ability to know was something I tried to learn more about. So I used the looking at awareness practice but it felt a little mechanical, impersonal, lifeless maybe or something unexplainable.

So now I have done "looking at me" as John suggests. I like it a lot, thanks John. It seems I am even more fundamental than the ability to experience, even though I think awareness must be a fundamental inherent aspect of me that will always be there, like a ray of light from the sun are always warming, so will I always have the ability to know. Well, that's just my thought but it feels more alive, total or something to look at me.

What was so helpful that I have not recognized before was another aspect of me. I am the same now as in my memories, whatever experiences, thoughts, feelings, always different. I will always be the same, like I have always felt and known, even though I have been afraid it might not be so (that I will disappear when I die, which I was so angry about, when thought about it whan I was a child). I was angry at God for having made me and, and then he was going to erase me when I died. That experiencing would stop. I was so mad about "him". smily

Well I see now that I have always been the same. How simple and true. It has really helped me. I can trust me, that nothing can change me. Or break me. I have never left me, and can never leave me. I find this comforting when hard emotions come. I ask myself, Has anything about me changed? No. It is painfull, but I am the same. I am I the same as when I was happy in the sun yeasterday: yes.

Well thanks John for that pointer. It has helped me a lot. I don't think my thoughts will ever know what I am, and I feel that is maybe good. If it could know, we wouldn't be unexplainable miracles. We would just be a mechanical drawing of a computer or something. But I think my thoughts are starting to appreciate that even though they can never think or understand what I am, they start to trust that I have always been and will always be. I feel some of the fear of life melting away as I say that. Thanks again John (sorry for my awfull viking English)

All the best from Scandinavia.

Karsten

Welcome to the forum, Karsten. I'm happy to see you here! Lera Jane

 

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