Just One Look Forum Archives
Recovery and Rehabilitation
Thank you for adding this section to the forum! I can now share some of my experience during the past 3 years. Hopefully some people can relate to this and reply.
It all started about 6 months after I started to look with serious intent back in October 2011. There was a period of happiness, light-heartedness and even a feeling of being "done." Everything was simple and I was happy. Nothing was lacking. But there was a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that this would not last... and of course this was the case. After a few months of bliss, worry started to come in. It came because I found myself in a situation I didn't want to be in. I was hoping I could go through it without any major discomfort, but things turned out worse than I could imagine. I was involved in a project that put me way out of my comfort zone to say the least. I was involved in something that was totally and completely outside of my natural boundaries, and I couldn't get out of it because my partner, who I later discovered to be a psychopath/sociopath, did not let me go. He used mind control techniques that I had no idea about at the time. I tried to explain several times that I didn't want to be involved, but his persuasion skills and persistence (and black magic techniques?) made me stay even though I felt the need to escape with every cell of my body! It was the voice of intuition telling me to get out, but I wasn't able to. So in the end I went against myself. It created such a conflict, suffering and pain I had never known before! Imagine going against your intuition in a big way, in a massive way. I was there. Never before have I experienced so much misery and pain! After he had gotten what he wanted from me, I was left devastated, spiritless, full of pain and despair, with no energy, no optimism and very little hope. I didn't think I'd survive. I didn't think it would be so bad!
I felt physical pain all over my body from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until I fell asleep at night. The pain and suffering never left and I cried every day. The pain was so deep I couldn't cry it out, so I cried a bit every day, but didn't experience any relief.. this would continue for days, weeks, months... and well, years! So from August 2012 until the winter of 2015 I cried almost every day. It was deep, black despair accompanied by the feeling of being abandoned by God. I had never experienced it before - there has always been a feeling of being taken care of by a force bigger than myself. But after going against my own self, my own truth, this force was gone, and everything turned out in a bad way, without the experience of softness of being taken care of, all the sharp edges were felt. I was without protection, full of pain and hopelessness, and all of the accumulated pain in my mind started to be felt. It was just so horrible! I didn't know what was happening because it was not just the recovery period, but also the experience I just went through, so I was confused what it was. There was no way of making sure. So I just lived my life day by day.
I felt the need to isolate myself more and more. Luckily, I found a way to make a living, so at least I didn't have to get a job (that would have been VERY difficult). I was also able to isolate myself to some extent to be able to just feel whatever I was feeling and try to find a way out. Well, thank God I guess! In this misery and feeling of being abandoned, I at least had an income and was not forced into social situations I didn't feel I needed. But the suffering continued. For a year or more straight it was almost unbearable. Then, VERY SLOWLY, it started to lessen. Now, in April of 2015 it has lessened considerably, but I'm not yet back where I was or where I want to be.
I would describe my experience of suffering with the following points:
1. The feeling of being abandoned by God
2. Everything painful in my mind (the past experiences) started to be felt in a big way
3. Things I had tried to forget and hide were no longer possible to suppress
4. All of the painful memories and feelings started to resurface
5. I lost interest in life and became very pessimistic
6. I felt that something had gone wrong in a big way, I had lost my way, and there was no hope
7. It felt impossible to make things right, things were beyond repair, my life had gone wrong irrevocably
It was an experience of being lost completely, without the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing helped and no one could help. I tried to explain my situation to several people, including the most insightful ones, but nothing helped, until I went to see a mystic-priest who was actually able to help me somewhat. He said it was probably the dark night of the soul, and that means that "you are growing." He offered me a chance to do voice dialogue therapy, and so we did it. I must admit it has helped. Before I went to see him, 4 months ago, I was still in the thick of it. Now I am much better. I am starting to be optimistic again and hope is coming back. But it's not through. Some things have changed though - I find myself relying more and more on my own judgment and not looking for approval every step of the way. I feel I can live my life on my own terms more than before. I will write about those things when I write a report of recovery (hopefully it will come!).
So, the "period of recovery" or "the dark night of the soul" (it really deserves to be called that) can be a horrifying experience. It was worse I could imagine. But even before embarking on the journey, I told myself "I'm ready for it." So in a way I got what I wanted. There are probably many hidden blessings in this experience and I am going to write about those in a future post, too.
Thanks for reading. I don't feel like I said everything, but you got the idea.
I would be grateful if some of you would share your experience of this period as well.
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