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Recovery and Rehabilitation

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Less Resistance

Things are still awkward and I feel miserable a lot of the time but I think something has happened in my experience. For the last few weeks my resistance to how I am behaving socially has dropped significantly, and even when I have really uncomfortable moments where it just feels way too much and I think, Why am I still experiencing this?, the moments end and then five minutes later im ok again. This just did not happen before. I was in a constant state of feeling "This is not the way it should be" at every moment.

Also, I saw jackx mention in the post 'Mind' a feeling of sadness about the everything. I seem to have a sadness kind of feeling in my chest. It sometimes feels as if I might well up and cry or something, but this energy I have also experienced when I have very joyous moments too (something quite new in the last few week). I wonder if anyone else relates to this kind of excitement/sadness/joyous kind of energy... I see it is pointless to even label it. It's just energy.

One thing that is troubling me greatly at the moment is my attention. Sometimes I can have good control over it but at other times I'm too fidgety and excitable because of anxiety I guess... I tried watching a film with my brother the other night and couldn't keep my mind on it for more than one minute, my mind was everywhere. This too is new I think. Things are coming out in the open, energies, anxieties and excitement about life.

I just cannot wait for stuff too clear up more. I want to be able to express myself as best I possibly can so I can create music and be completely present with people I want to spend quality time with. The awkward, uncomfortable tension I feel when I'm around people just seems to be irritating now rather than life threatening. I know that training my attention is gonna help me out a long way now in this process. I feel I am engaging much better than before and can only get more out of life if I keep at it.

Also, I want to comment on the looking and the relationship it has with happiness. If we go into this looking practice and expect to find "eternal happiness" or whatever the spiritual guides tell us we need to get to, we are going struggle and struggle along in misery. The looking, from what I've heard/read will give us sanity, which in turn will end suffering and the longing for happiness we all have. However, while in the process of going sane we can find happiness in life experience. For me, it is music, for others it is dancing. For some, painting. Following passion seems like a very sane way to go if you want to have a good time and get a good feeling as opposed to doing stuff that gives bad feelings. It just seems really simple. So, to go to satsang and sit for years in meditation to find "eternal bliss" or whatever, now seems so sad, when it is was never something you ever thought about doing when you were a young child and had never heard about "spirituality." You just wanted to play, make, imagine, dance... In wonder, doing whatever you "wanted to do."

Sorry, I went off track. Just wanted to say what was on my mind completely. I know my post was a bit all over the place. I'm no good at structuring.

For now,


Nice changes, Jim. Yeah, I've experienced that feeling of sadness with joy too. A funny, complex emotion.

Really lovely Jim, thank you. My day to day experience is very simple and wondrous much like what you describe as childlike. I go along with what is happening in the moment, my mind wanders here and there out of habit looking for solutions or worrying about something or someone and I often just laugh. It is effortless to put on some music and dance. I enjoy the 'buzz' of a healthy vibrant body and the energy to engage fully in the world around me. I think John said often that you can't really remember what life was like before the effects of the looking took hold and that is how it is for me, like what happened to that depressed feeling or those waves of self-pity? However I am very conscious of the fact that it is the fear of life that is gone.

Hi Jim, I experienced this same type of feeling from doing a contemplation about mortality and impermanence. It was a time that I was studying Kali Ma and her devotees do this type of contemplation work to become wiser about reality. To my surprise joy arose from my focus on this fact of life. It felt like the arising joy was telling me that deep emotion and a true understanding about the human situation is dependent on our mortal condition in this physical realm. Joy arises in me spontaneously for no reason especially when I am playing music or just being calm and mindless.


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