Just One Look Forum Archives
Recovery and Rehabilitation
John says that after just one look at "me" the context of psychological fear vanishes from my mind permanently. If that is true, why do I still experience confusion, depression and anxiety? My focus, in finding signs of progress in my recovery, has almost exclusively been aimed at how I feel and how my mind behaves. When seen like that, my recovery has been a really slow and a pretty hard process.
But recently, after a conversation with a friend, it hit me that a really fundamental change has taken place in my mind since I looked at myself. A fundamental shift, that I have become used to and that I some how tend to forget. I am still confused and I still have days with depression and anxiety. And I often have a hard time to actually pinpoint what, if something at all, has changed for the better as a result of the looking. But now I know for sure. My mind is not perfect, but I always act from a sane place. It is not easy, and this fundamental shift has actually made some of my relationships harder than they where before the looking. But it feels real and true.
I see now what John means when he says that the fear based psychological context disappears after just one look. I have seen this for a long time, but not as clear as I see it now. Instead of only looking for signs of progress in how my mind is dealing with life, I can notice the underlying fundamental shift that makes me see and express myself from a sane place.
That is so cool. The change is profound and it happens in spite of our vigilant signpost watching. The criteria we use to determine improvement was compiled from the fear-based mindset and while we're waiting and watching for this 'improvement', the real shit happens.
Although some relationships may seem harder to you I'm assuming your relationship with yourself is much better.
I am also surprised that fear and anxiety hasn't gone away, three and a half years in. I can tell something has happened, and that like you, I come from a sane place, and it seems obvious when others are not.
I mislead myself into thinking that one day, I would just feel so at ease after looking, that my life would become so much more enjoyable and full. This is not the case. I sometimes wish that I had been shown the looking somehow by mistake and then carried on trying to make things better for myself. Instead I have been isolating even more than before, and hoping I would one day feel free too get on with stuff. Big mistake.
At least I know that I am benefiting people by being sane, even if I am being a hermit haha, it's quite funny really. But I no longer want to experience the anxiety I get, so I need to work on that.
Looking shows us the truth of what we really are. Perhaps for some, holding on to a concept that looking will rewire all our synapse connections without any activity will drag recovery out. I get more ah ha moments now post-looking than I've had in my life and I attribute all of my new understanding to the looking. It's just too profound, my new approach to life. But these new awakenings or lessons require a continued questing attitude, at least for me, albeit, it's no longer a pressing neurotic search.
My future will probably include a clearer perspective on all of this, as will all of us arguably because we've done the looking.
Yes, that is really cool. And I find a kind of rest in noticing that the root cause for my suffering is gone for ever. That far exceeds my waiting for perfection.
And yes, my relationship with myself has become much better over the years. And the relationship with others is getting better and more true, but also harder.
And in a way I am surprised that we are surprised. I am, for example, almost 40 years old and has been very much infected by the fear of life as long as I can remember. My mind is so used to get corrupt information about life from the fear based context. Lets say, in my case, it take ten years for my mind to be, for the most part, free of infected responses towards life, it is after all not so unreasonable.
But I know very well that it is hard not to want to do something to not experience anxiety. And I am a little confused here. I cant really say how I have delt with it over the years. I know that I often have turned to noticing this feeling that something profound has changed and that the cause for my anxiety is gone. And I have also experienced many times that the level of anxiety never reaches the levels like it did when the fear of life was a part of my mind. And my guess is that that is the case for all of us. I think that there are a limit of how bad we can get after the fear based context is gone. That has for me anyway, been a sort of comfort and a practical reality during my recovery.
And I think we both will feel more and more at ease with things over time...
I just felt tempted to say that nothing is required, except of freeing ourselves from the fear of life, which we already have done.
It's a cart before horse, chicken and egg thing. Looking sets one straight. The ensuing rehab involves learning new tools and new understandings that would not be uncovered without the looking. This is my take on it so far. At some level I could agree that all you have to do is look. I think our characters persist in this experience and part of the rehab is learning to let those characteristics just be what they are.
I totally agree that the looking changes everything. It seems to roll out in both predictable and not so predictable ways.
But these new awakenings or lessons require a continued questing attitude, at least for me, albeit, it's no longer a pressing neurotic search.
Well put Bradley, I can very much identify with this. Although I think of the questing attitude, whether neurotic or not, as just another algorithm having its way. Probably not all thoughts of self-improvement are fear based of course but I've been duped so many times now, my mind believing that this is finally the idea, understanding, routine, attitude etc that will make all well, what I have been waiting for.
At this point I'm very confused and exhausted by the dissonance in my mind, so my response in a sense stems from this state. Life is surely not _less_ stressful now than before the looking but for sure less neurotic and the stress feels different now.
Basically what I'm suggesting is that true hope cannot be found in hope, only in sanity and self-reliance.
LOL. Right.. Like Niklas said (:
That's great! Good to read that another human being has turned sane!
I'd like to write a report about my recovery soon, but not yet because I'm looking forward to a similar confirmation as yours. It's my 4th year of recovery and things look quite good, but I still need more time... what I wondered about in your post was the part where you said that your relationships have become harder than before? Could you explain more? I, to the contrary, would say that relationships have become easier because I choose the people I hang out with and don't hang out with people I don't like. Being honest and sincere is an absolute must for me now and if I can't be honest, I better don't deal with those people. It has become harder to be in-genuine for sure and I can't imagine going back to the pretense, hiding my truth, and showing myself off as someone else. I am me and that's it. So, I'm wondering if you're having similar issues or is your experience altogether different? Thanks and good luck!
"It has become harder to be in-genuine for sure and I can't imagine going back to the pretense, hiding my truth, and showing myself off as someone else. I am me and that's it."
Good stuff, LeeHarry. Your short account strikes a cord. I'm just over 4 years and can agree with what you say here I'm looking forward to hearing more.
Thanks for your comment LeeHarry! I will answer you soon. I am still thinking of what I accyually ment when I said that some relationships have become harder.
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