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After 10 years

Hello, I started my search for awakening, enlightenment, spiritual growth, etc. over 20 years ago. I never was a guru groupie, but I was a guru addict in that I would download whatever I could get on guru's speakin. It started with Depak, wayne, adyshanti, gangaji, eckart, [excuse my spelling], that other guy, Osho? Sorry it's been a while, nich ta hann? OK, these guys are going to start haunting me if I go on brutalizing their names. There were probably a few more. I mean I had at least 2 full computer screens of live recordings of each one of them, I listened to them all.

Enter John Sherman, circa 2006. The first thing I noticed was that I felt I had hit the basic truth. The 2nd thing I noticed was that the search was over. I don't know why but I finally saw that I was chasing some phenomena that I thought would fix me or make me whole and at peace, plus I'd be totally cool and everyone in the world would want a piece of me, like Echart said.

Uhh, that never really happened. So I did the looking, went through all the newbie stuff that I heard most seekers did, "Am I doing it right? When will it work? why is everything the same, I need to do it more..." Finally I just relaxed and said whatever... John says it will work and I'll just do it from time to time when ever I think of it. All the time religiously listening to all of John's seminars and telephone events. Then I even quit doing that. Now I still glance at an email I get and browse the topics to see if anything new has come up. So I'll try to describe the changes if I can and where I am now.

At first as I said there was nothing, as time went on I guess I noticed the end of the search and that I was more present in time and more OK with my life. I don't remember any thing really dramaitic happening.

I still don't know for certain that anything happened at all besides the ending of the search. I remember quite a bit of what John said, and the truest thing for me was "it's like a humming in your ear that has always been there, and you never notice it, until one day you notice it is not there anymore, and you say, hey, when did that go?"

Soooo, here I am age 65 in my life, I can't say the looking transformed me, that I am full of joy, etc, but I guess I am more present and OK in my life, ok, and maybe a little happier, and to quote Jack Nicholson:"I'm just not the type of guy that goes around being happy."

I guess my sense of anything wrong now is that I don't really feel anything in a strong way, I'm not unhappy but not really happy either, which is sort of the way I have always been.

I remember a caller saying they did the looking and all was great but Where's the juice? The juice to life, the zest, spice. And I remember as my ears really pricked up at this, John just sort of laughed and didn't really have an answer to that. I guessed that a lot of the "juice" to life is fueled by the fear, so when the fear is gone, then all that "juice" will dissipate as well.

I guess I'm wanting some new "juice" to appear for me, and maybe it will. My daughter had a wedding and I remember dancing like a lunatic all night, that was a first. My grandson said I had some moves, yo.

Anyway, I thought this might be interesting as this is my first post or any communication after 20 years, that some other oldschoolers may have had a similar experience and may make me feel I have some company.

Thanks to John and Carla.

Thanks for sharing all that dajmo. Curious, would developing your focused attention even more provide more 'juice' to your life? Meaning you could focus on the things you personally really enjoy with more effectiveness. Just speculating, yo.

I can relate to what you're saying, dajmo. I too feel sort of flat and 'where's the juice?' To be clear, this is far more preferable to how I felt before the looking, which was one long depressive, anxious road that never ended. I do remember having more highs with the lows. I guess if you are feeling the lows some high mood is inevitable. So, while I certainly prefer this way of being, I do wonder if I'll begin to experience more joy at some point. It may also be a function of our age, I'm 56.

I personally believe that the looking is simply a reset that takes away fear and much of the madness, but after this we need to add software and programming on our own. Lifestyle changes become easier and more intuitive and may promote more happiness and positivity. Exercise would be an example of this, or healthier eating, etc. SDA exercises help as well. I experience more times of 'flow' which is an immersion into whatever I'm doing. This is not necessarily mood expansive, but rather a richer experience than typical where time seems to stop or slow down, or become irrelevant. I guess this could also be described as being present or in the moment, without distracting neurotic thinking about the past or future. Do you have moments like this?

Thanks for the reply Jackx, I have experienced what athletes call "in the zone" which I believe you to be referring to, but very rarely. I think it is what drives the mountain climbers to do what they do.

Also soldiers in battle have said similar things. It is good you don't have to put yourself on that life and death edge to experience it.

I think you are right that we are responsible to get or create our own juice, a good point , and I feel a little foolish , in that I still look outside myself for that.

thanks for the reminder. This will be helpful to me, maybe in another 20 years, I'll be like Eureka! I've got it!

Thanks for telling us your story, dajmo. Here's my take on the "juice." The way I see it, we can direct our attention where we want it to go, so I'm directing mine towards experiences that have the "juice"... in my case, musical projects, since this is what I do. Even though I can't take part in these projects as fully as I would like to at this time because of some physical difficulties, there's still a lot I can do, thanks to modern technology (i.e. hooking up with musicians in different parts of the world). So I guess I'm saying that the joy doesn't just "happen". We can choose things that we enjoy and that make us happy. Also, I don't think age has anything to do with loss of joy or less joy, unless you choose to believe it does. I'm 76 years old. So the earth went around the sun 76 times, so what?

Thanks for sharing these insights guys - very helpful to me.


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