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Then and now

Hello John,

I don't know quite where to begin ...the scripture where Jesus says I am the alpha and the omega seems a little lofty for such an amateur as myself! I was steeped in Christianity for 30 plus years, so it's not so surprising that random scripture comes floating thru from time to time. I'm finding after being released from the burden of Jesus looking over my shoulder( I lost my faith about 15 years ago) having scripture come to mind and now seeing what was being pointed to has a certain sweetness to it that I never tasted while I was under the influence! But that's not the story I came to tell.

After loosing my faith in Christianity, I picked myself up from that collision and declared myself a freethinker. Without the Christian lens, my world view changed some....opened up...might be a better description.The me and them mentality that I always called pride in country/patriotism or something unnamable but real ...revealed itself as silliness. Not much else changed, at least not anything I could put my finger on. After being bound for so long, I expected the relief would be huge....not so!...rather tiny, actually. So, I moved on...

After several years of living my life in quiet desperation but now without God or His Son, I truly felt lost and undone! Hold that thought, I stumbled into the pool labeled... mediation. I only moved about in the shallow end... mindfulness meditation being the only practice I ever felt helped me much. So, I declared myself a calm/peace seeking mediator but it didn't take long before I was after bigger fish ...nirvana/enlightenment ....for god's sake! Something needed to be done about this underlying feeling that there has to be something more to life than ....this!!! The noise in my head only got louder and more desperate when I heard a spiritual teacher suggest ...sit in meditation and ask the question who am I? Engaging in this nonsense turned my mind into a hellish battle field that no amount of pulling myself up by my own boot straps/positive thinking or any such thing could touch. I was drowning...

This was the state of my mind on the day in Oct 2010 ...I stumbled yet again ...this time on a wed site that you, John, was being interviewed. I heard you say that all the spiritual teachesr for thousands of years have gotten the cart before the horse. Finally, somebody was facing the truth!

Then you talked about the looking and invited the audience to follow along in looking to see what it feels like to be me I followed along without the first thought/question ....maybe this is was what you call a clean look? At any rate, I found something solid (without knowing anything about anything). The first thought that came was ....this is something I can sink my teeth into....2nd thought ...this is something I can know for myself without going outside myself(at that time I had only a vague idea of the meaning of that thought) looking back, I think now, that I thought it meant ...I wouldn't need confirmation from some guru ...I would just know.But in that moment, I knew this was what I had been looking for all of my life.. An image appeared in my head of a mountain stream ....clear, cool, pristine ...then the scripture ...when Jesus was inviting people to drink from the spring of living water and you will never be thirsty again. Then an unspeakable joy flowed thru me like I had never experienced before. I don't remember much about the rest of the afternoon but I do remember feeling a sense of lightness in my body. I went to bed that evening got up the next morning ....all of it gone! There was an underlying irritable feeling about it being gone but the thought that keep bothering me the most was ....I should be devastated!! But I wasn't. Irritable/mad/anger even ...but not devastated! The first chance I got, I went back to where I had found you, got your name, googled you, found your then wed site and came onto a transcript/article with the title. ..(I'm not even kidding) ...Is This Bliss? Oh my god, no! is what somebody said ....I spent the next 2 years(two months short ...but who is counting?) looking at myself or looking for that first experience again? ...busy...at any rate! The looking bleed into everything or the thinking about the looking ...I was afraid to stop and afraid not to stop ...craziness...any evidence I came up with that I thought would prove ...yes, I 'm at least on the right track ...my mind would create ....looking for certainty? that looks just like me ...oh, okay, but wait ...I need that feeling of being at home in my own skin ...okay, here you go ...and it felt just like I had been physically gone from my own house and bed and the feeling that you get as soon as you walk thru the door ...you need to know what satisfaction with your life feels like? It's that feeling you get right after you see certainty looks exactly like you. Oh, now you need to see what space feels like ...it feels big and cosmic! Even understanding came and felt ...heavy! All this...everything I thought would give me evidence that I wasn't being tricked ...again! ....came and went...I got it... then ...oops...I lost it! It wasn't a laughing matter. I was dead serious!!! Then time went by ...clarity started showing up...then questions about how I (little ol' me) would know the difference between a mental trick and clarity. But clarity is not something I can describe ...it seems to be the knowing without the story? Maybe that's true or maybe not. Right in the middle of this letter...I have to stop...and tell you that just the thought of writing/communicating regarding my looking experience ....well, I have seen A LOT of drama around this issue. Just today things seemed to be clear enough to write and right in the middle of the writing ...life is flowing along ...I got a phone call ...a relative will be moving in with my husband and me in two weeks!! to stay for god knows how long, maybe for all eternity NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I don't want this! Yeah, I would say that reaction is coming from a looking amateur that knows ...what I have been looking for all my life ...has always been here and has always been sane ....I just couldn't see it! ...I have been looking at what's not me ...maybe, or perhaps that first look did it and I have just been stumbling around in the dark looking for the flashlight that has been in my hands the whole time ...but whatever I am ...this feeling of me...this solidness is here.Period. I would say ...end of story ...but that is just the end of worrying about the end of the story ...as you say ...we are never done ...life goes on and on. I get that now. So many things I have heard you say over the last 2yrs. are showing up as true. Everything really is going to be okay ...I'm safe! I don't have to pretend. This is the beauty I thought I had been missing ....I can have a no reaction or a feeling of resistance to rising phenomena and it's not the end of the world. This to might pass! Ha...okay, will pass! I still see symptoms of fear in my life ...it morphs into one thing then another but I see it. I recognize it for what it is ...a symptom! This makes me happy! Thanks John for everything you do! For someone who claimed not to know where to start ...apparently I got that wrong ....I don't know ...when to stop!!

Thanks in advance for reading this to the end,



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