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Thru the fog

Since it is an end of the year reckoning of sorts, I thought I'd try to map the journey. I also wanted to give an update on where I am now in case it may be useful to someone, (altho I'm not sure how it would be helpful as I believe each individual search is so specific and diverse).

When I look back on my life I see fog. I suppose another name for this is fear or dullness mixed with fear. For a long time I didn't even know I was in fog....I didn't know what to call it, but then I found words to explain it through psychology and spirituality and began to define it....exquisitely.....and found others who could define it even better than I. Thats when the fog became thicker. I couldn't even see my hands anymore, couldn't see myself, and was very confused. I would hear noises but couldn't locate the source or understand which direction to go and things would abruptly come out of the fog and mist, startling me. And the more time I read about and thought about it, the thicker the fog became. You see, I thought that I would suddenly bust through the edge of the fog into a clear world. I was just waiting for that one "enlightened" stumble and the blinding clarity that would ensue. I would finally be able to see things and navigate and the fear would go away. This never happened and I don't think it will.

What did happen is that I gave up. I just shelved the books, the discussion forums, and went on to live my life as best I could. It isn't a bad life and I have much to be thankful for....despite the damned fog. Then what happened, when I stopped obsessively stalking the truth, is that truth came flirting with me. I guess truth thought I was playing hard to get and took an interest. Gradually there was a clearing here and there. The fog would thin and I would see something a little farther away than usual...walk over and look at it. One thing I stumbled upon was John Sherman. I didn't want to discover him or even look at him. I was done with that. He said to look at yourself and see what it feels like to be me. I did that. Didn't feel anything and forgot about it. More fog. That was over a year ago. More than a year later I was reminded of him and looked again. The looking is a simple, direct way of stripping everything down to the essential. I realized that the fog/fear had gradually thinned more and more until now I didn't feel the buzz of fear as much or hardly at all. I can see where I am going and what is around me.

Don't get me wrong, I still live in a perpetual San Francisco....the fog rolls in on a regular basis, sometimes quite thickly. Yet, there is more and more clearing. Sometimes, even, it is clear and I still act like I'm in a fog, stumbling around in the broad daylight. Old fear habits die hard. Yet, I'm finding that the feeling of me shines thru when I'm not looking or expecting it more and more. This shining feels authentic, the real deal.

Deepest Thank-yous to John and Carla,

Happy new year everyone and, as my brother-in-law is fond of saying...... Onward! Thru the fog!

Sounds good. So, is your brother a tugboat captain? Lighthouse keeper? Or just a sensible human? Good quote though. Just wanted to say good job and offer you the kind of encouragement that is sometimes of real value to me... so, once more my good man, into the sea poop!

Thanks for the authentic sharing. I've found that the more I've undertaken to look, even when the circumstances don't seem to warrant it (actually, especially when the circumstances don't seem to warrant it -- like being in the middle of a trial), the more comfortable I am in my own skin and the light of my own awareness, which -- at least theoretically -- is supposed to clear up the fog you talk about. trimpi

My brother in law is a wanna be writer. I think it is a literary reference......but it makes sense to me. The fog has been thin since I posted this and I do see the light, trimpi. Anything to the idea that making a report, making something known helps in the recovery?


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