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Recovery and Rehabilitation

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Feeling lazy

Not that I'm not doing the important things; I'm actually attending to more important things than usual. It's just that I can sit still and just be or look at myself without either attending to a long list of planned activities or mentally adding things on to the list. I know somehow that the lazy feeling is just an offshoot of my past responses to life, my fear of idleness, of death. This is a strange trip but I'm not gonna whine about it because for once, something profound is happening. Ok, enough with that. How do y'all put into perspective the oddity of it all? It really seems to require a leap of faith to some degree.

Yes, and it reminds me of another discussion we had recently, that a certain aloofness or limbo state seems to be a common phase in the recovery period. John compared it to a rollercoaster ride that comes to the end. In the first moment, one is a bit dizzy and numb after all the drama and excitement has stopped.

To me it appears that much of the motivation to do things came from the fear. When the fear is gone, the motivation is gone as well, and it takes time for something new to appear. I do not like this period that much. What helps is directing attention to the tasks that need attention, and conversely not to feed the panic and anticipation of doom that may arise. This is what I would call faith, but not in the sense of prayers, but as a strategy to invest ones energy wisely and pragmatically.

Thanks. This is helpful. Do you know how I can locate the discussion you mentioned, assuming it's somewhere on this forum?

Yes, I fully agree; I also for quite some time now experiece that state of "nothing special is happening". It is often misinterpreted as feeling bored or lazy but that is not really what it is.

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When I first did the looking, some memories flared up of moments in the past that felt exactly that way and one can easily mistake it as a feeling of boredom or laziness. For me it were moments like walking home from a party in the quietude of the night or just hanging around in my room on a sleepy sunday. All of these memories that came up had to do with something loud and exciting having come to an end; in my case it was a party or a stressful week, I recall John mentioning a childhood-memory of him coming out of a cinema. These are precisely moments when the sense of "me" is apparent and the noise of the fear is gone.

This feeling is nowadays very intense especially in the evening, when the noise of the daily activities come to an end and I am just sensing the simplicity of being. But our attention usually goes where the noise is, where drama and excitement is and thats really the shift I and it seems most of us here are experiencing.

In the beginning I also interpreted this as laziness (my wife still does, haha ;) but actually it is real satisfaction, even love. However, I still quite often fall into the old habit of asking "So what's next?" expecting to experience some excitment and fanciness trying to avoid the backround of peace. This sets in motion the complex, old and corroding machinery of the fear but there is not much fuel left, so it can't run for a long time and it stops again...

I do this all the time. It seems frustrating without the frustration actually being a problem. I have long periods of doing very little at all and then I'll trick myself into some kind of new ambition. Haha. But it seems kind of half-hearted. I hope this will die down soon leaving me with a clear perspective of what I can actually do in the world each day without the fear. I have a talent for songwriting but I can't be motivated to do that right now and it's not like I don't have time. Why is that? I think this is a very common thing though. I read someone's report in the forum from a few years back who said he had a period of many months where he just sat and did nothing and then suddenly one day, had the urge to pick up his guitar and make music again. This obviously gave me hope. Also, there are other 'teachers' who have discussed this. Falling away of personal drive. It's strange to see people unconsciously wandering around trying to get somewhere without ever stopping to take a breath and think about why they are doing what they are doing. It's madness and maybe I miss it a little.

I'm actually working on a song as I write this but my motivations have chilled recently which translates into patience I've never had. But the reason-for-striving rug has shifted and continues to be pulled out.

Over the years I've read so many things written by people that 'achieved' more peaceful perspectives and now I hear myself thinking similar things. More than cool. This whole thing brings such insight without any need to shout it from the rooftops.

Jim Glover

It's madness and maybe I miss it a little.

I agree. I use some legal drugs, sometimes, to feel it again.

BradleyP

Do you know how I can locate the discussion you mentioned, assuming it's somewhere on this forum?

It is in a thread called "the mind", opened June 7th 2015 in the same forum like this thread, and the topic arises in post No 8 by Jackx.

There are some good posts on that thread. There does seem to be a vacuum left when fear leaves, that is somewhat filled by conditioned behaviors that are winding down. Many of the behaviors are not satisfying or no longer have a purpose, but we seem to do them anyway. I guess that's the definition of conditioning. The momentum of fear just seems to take awhile to wind down. No other way to put it and we have to find a way to deal with the vacuum and habituated behaviors it leaves behind.

Freshness seems to be the answer, seeing life in a fresh way from new eyes. Still waiting for this myself.

Perhaps the anticipation of something to fill the void is a last ditch effort of the mind to stay in the game, to continue the illusion that there is a game.

"Freshness seems to be the answer, seeing life in a fresh way from new eyes. Still waiting for this myself.". Jackx, after just one look why are you still waiting for Godot? The wait's over. John would probably tell us after just one look to get on up and live our lives. Which is what we are doing.

I went somewhere today to do a shopping task that is needed every few months. I was able to notice how much calmer I was than usual. I usually rush to this place on my lunch hour. Not today. I guess it's those types of events that show you the change.

On another note,

I find I'm having muscle pains a lot. I think it has something to do with my baseline relaxation chilling out. Any of you go through a period of muscle pain?

Maybe I'm just becoming aware of how much muscle clenching I do/have done. This looking came at a good time. (Deep breath)

I don't know what I'm waiting for. An end to waiting? The looking isn't a miracle cure for me by any stretch, still have a lot of dissatisfaction in my life. Much less than 4 years ago, but it's there. Just being honest.

Jackx

Freshness seems to be the answer, seeing life in a fresh way from new eyes. Still waiting for this myself.

With fear-based mechanisms on the decline, accelerated by focused attention, formerly suppressed views surface. They were always around, but may have been ignored because they were considered dangerous: hurtful to others, not conforming, compromising one's future etc. At first, I just observed these, but step by step, also started to act on them. And, the anticipated disaster (predicted by my own fear-based mechanisms, BUT ALSO BY THE ONES AROUND ME FOLLOWING THE FEAR SCRIPT) does not manifest. To the contrary, "fresh" perspectives open. This process may benefit from faith, or courage.

Nice! Well stated.

Cytex

I agree. I use some legal drugs, sometimes, to feel it again.

Interesting Cytex. What kind? I have decided to go and pick some psilocybin mushrooms which will be in season here in one month.

Yeah, stated well. I'm really liking how each drama has a more limited lifespan now.

The bottom really does fall out. Wow. Lots of unconscious habitual things still going on but it's like some stimulant was removed from my IV.

In my wiew drugs, legal or not, are a violation on our precious minds. No moral here, I did hard drugs for fifteen years. I love my mind today. Take care of it. Please!

I use coffee and tobacco (cigars), sometimes Kratom.

It really feels strange to just do practically nothing (watching football on TV) and not feel a growing need to do something. I can't remember when I've felt this way. Maybe when I was a kid. I don't feel lazy now. I'm just here. I'm 'just here' a lot more lately.

 

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