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Completely hopeless

All I want in life is to NOT be forced to interact with pathological people (true, it's different for everybody and may vary on perception and your past experiences in life),

And to be able to hold some sort of standard level of "dignity" throughout my life, which frankly I think most people out there would rather take away from you, rather than you keeping it.

It's all tied into the money/power/territory system that the apes before us have devised (for their benefit mostly, no surprise there).

I feel really hopeless and powerless, almost to the point of suicide (don't think I'll do it, I know I'd mess it up bad).

Funny thing is this is the first time in my life where I felt this raw and hopeless.

I don't know if this means the Looking is working on me , or maybe this is possibly the end of my so-called Life.

I have the right to NOT interact with pathological people (again my POV, my right to see things the way I see them) and simply ignore people who I think could bring me more pain and suffering.

I know my life would be WAY happier and easier to navigate if I didn't have to pretend that I don't want to interact with certain people. Don't get me wrong, I always give people a chance (too many in fact, that's when the bad stuff starts happening.) And being autistic I tend to just "cut things off" right then and there when I get too overwhelmed, I don't want to do it that way but often it's literally too painful for me to go on interacting with said person. And usually ( I don't know why ) that's when people get violent (usually implying that I'm a danger to them or some such nonsense, I guess NTs have to do it that way to justify their insecure insanity). If not physically violent, socially violent and vehemently antagonistic. I really really don't like that , and it's worn me down for so many years now. I literally don't know what to do around people anymore. Which is why I just want to stay the hell away from people, and they away from me.

I usually think I have a pretty good handle on understanding social interaction, but lately I realize I'm way in over my head.

I don't understand a damn thing, apparently.

And sorry for my previous angry rants on this website,

I have no outlet in the real world, no place (not filled with psychologists) for me to fit in where I feel at home,

so my only semi-outlet is online. And I hate to have to do it this way because being online is a poor excuse for meeting your daily quota of positive social contact with people (which I read in many places is a basic necessity for human psychological well being.). Maybe there's groups out here where penniless autistic people can get structured social interaction.

I think the thing "normal" people don't realize about autistics is that fear can really run wild in our system. I don't know why that is. Seems to be a common autistic trait (for those who fall without a safety net, or fall into life's traps, or are being bullied and can't find a way out).

I just want the right (which we don't have currently) to NOT interact with people I don't feel comfortable with.

Just seems the more I stand up for this simple right that everyone (IMO) should have, the more "normal" people go for the jugular, just to ensure you don't get what you're asking for.

I think it's an instinct thing, that normal people have. It's a power-based instinct. Normal people NEED to have access to you no matter what, come hell or high water.

And that's the root of what disturbs me. That and I can't find a date. Nothing more life-destroying than being an autistic bisexual (more on the straight side), basically an unlayable bisexual, which is a contradiction in terms. But anyway, that's neither here nor there.

So, to sum up, I feel Hopeless, and I need some type of Sanctuary, respite from all unnecessary and unneeded human interaction that's actually more detrimental than good.

I have so many good qualities, and I just need a stable life for it to grow.

I don't feel as hopeless as I did when I began writing this post.

Maybe that's a sign I need communication with people to "get the bad out"


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