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An alcoholic from AA

I am 56 years old and have been drinking alcoholicly since my late teens. I have tried for years to get sober. I have gone to AA and actually had 10 years of continuous sobriety beginning 1989 and then another 5 years in the 90's. Since then I could only string together at most a month or two of continuous sobriety. I have been interested in spirituality particularly Buddhism since the 90's and then discovered advaita and then John Sherman. I began doing the looking a year or two ago. As suggested, as often as I could, when it occurred to me to do so, I would see what it felt like to be me. I would still have the weekly or monthly binge but I noticed that it was particularly painful when hungover to do the looking. The looking was beginning to interfere with my alcholism. I began to string a few weeks, then months together and recently celebrated one year of sobriety. What is different this time around is that I enjoy the looking enough that I would rather be sober. I always enjoyed getting really, really drunk. Being drunk seemed like it would be more enjoyable then my present experience. I always said that I can't drink because I can't drink normally. This of course implies that I would still like to drink if I could. In the past I used to go on the Riverganga site frequently and favorite advaita author's sites but now don't seem to go on much anymore. I seem to be no longer seeking. I am also no longer seeming to seek my next looking but it is now just a habit. A few times a day I find myself doing the looking in the morning, at work, after work, before sleep and even when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. It never seems to last long but I am grateful it occurs to me with very little effort. Thank you, John and Carla for all that you do. I have had so many relapses in my life that I can't even begin to think my sobriety will last forever but I also am not worried that it won't. I don't seem to worry about much of anything anymore.

Nice

Thank you, tcrowell, for checking in. Nice, positive report on the results of your looking. I appreciate that. Best regards, marlowe

Interference

tcrowell

The looking was beginning to interfere with my alcholism.

This actually made me laugh. It is wondrous and miraculous, but at the same time logical and blatantly obvious how living your life from within yourself just contradicts and dissolves the entire seeking solutions/running from problems paradigm. I have been smoking pot daily and in high quantities from age 20 to 32, with a few very forced sober patches of several months in between, but ever since I looked at myself the reasons for living stoned just lost their weight and reality. The need, and especially the habit, of smoking pot - the entire ritual surrounding it -are still part of me, very much like swimming or riding a bike, but the resulting state is no longer favored over what is.

Like you say, looking becomes a habit because whatever state of mind, whatever situation I am in, I am always there. Life changes, my outlook on life changes, but I don't, so looking at myself is always available, even if it does not change the situation I am in or how I perceive what is in front or inside of me. Habit might not even be the best word since the act of looking soon loses the 'act' part and reverses on itself, since I look - at least that is my present experience.

Anyway, welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story!

Wouter

tcrowell

I am 56 years old and have been drinking alcoholicly since my late teens. I have tried for years to get sober. I have gone to AA and actually had 10 years of continuous sobriety beginning 1989 and then another 5 years in the 90's. Since then I could only string together at most a month or two of continuous sobriety. I have been interested in spirituality particularly Buddhism since the 90's and then discovered advaita and then John Sherman. I began doing the looking a year or two ago. As suggested, as often as I could, when it occurred to me to do so, I would see what it felt like to be me. I would still have the weekly or monthly binge but I noticed that it was particularly painful when hungover to do the looking. The looking was beginning to interfere with my alcoholism. I began to string a few weeks, then months together and recently celebrated one year of sobriety. What is different this time around is that I enjoy the looking enough that I would rather be sober. I always enjoyed getting really, really drunk. Being drunk seemed like it would be more enjoyable then my present experience. I always said that I can't drink because I can't drink normally. This of course implies that I would still like to drink if I could. In the past I used to go on the RiverGanga site frequently and favorite advaita author's sites but now don't seem to go on much anymore. I seem to be no longer seeking. I am also no longer seeming to seek my next looking but it is now just a habit. A few times a day I find myself doing the looking in the morning, at work, after work, before sleep and even when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. It never seems to last long but I am grateful it occurs to me with very little effort. Thank you, John and Carla for all that you do. I have had so many relapses in my life that I can't even begin to think my sobriety will last forever but I also am not worried that it won't. I don't seem to worry about much of anything anymore.

Dear tcrowell,

I read your posting and made some comments about it at the Open House on February 20, 2013.

Thank you.

John

 

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