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Very New Looker Experience

I'm very new, just a few weeks. My experience is interesting. I am very aware of my thoughts. They are not in I form. Usually its "you need to do X" or "that's why you're so Y". I ask "who are you?" The answer is "I" which leads to "who am I?" Also, I tend to experience emotion without the thought whether dread or fear. So I create the thought. "I am dreading X." I guess I could just ask who is dreading. But the "I" statement helps me to focus awarenesss on the subject, helps me to look. This is persistent now. I was for awhile setting a time for the looking, but now it seems to happen on its own all the time. There's been a definite lowering of the volume of the fear and dread. I can see and sense these emotions, but they are much lighter than before.

Also I seem to be noticing feelings and some times thoughts that I was never consiously aware of while working, eating etc. My mind seems to audit them automatically tries to focus on the I. I caught an interesting thought. "If this compile goes well then it means everything will be fine today." I'm a programmer. "Fine for me. Who is me. Look at me." It was a pretty bizarre thought. Neurosis, supersitition, maybe both.

I practice zazen and have stopped just as an expereiment to see if it's the looking or the zazen. I'm enjoying myself. No worries. The looking is actually just fun. I've also made some mind blowing connections and realizations. I tell them to my wife and she thinks I'm crazy. I'll just keep them to myself.

 

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