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Fear since looking

Hi,

Since looking I've become very aware of huge fear in me. Terror even. I guess it's always been there but I just wasn't aware of it before. Now it seems like I've been surviving my entire life, not living. It's a bit overwhelming. but I keep looking. This terror shows no signs of leaving.

I would appreciate any comments.

Fear since looking

The much dreaded and greatly feared event in your life is you looking for you. Along the way you may wonder why me here now and not there then on a train to Auschwitz. Any wondering about the why of your condition surely distances life from you. How long may the wondering about the terror of any possible present or future moment last? The fact is that anyone who is reading this has the ability to sit still. Yes, before all the horrible things that are going to happen to you that may arise to be considered in this or any other moment—, sit still... and simply look. In my experience, this looking has helped me to catch my breath and take a breather. Nice typing to you.

I experience different kind of issues popping up to surface. Fear, worries, shame, feelings of worthlessness, depression. They come and go back and forth. Not much i can do about it. As i have never could. Though some fear has decreased. I guess experience will adapt to life after some time.

Yep

Inward,

I read your post and immediately knew what you were talking about-- surviving is exactly the way I've lived my life and I've only recently become aware of it also. There's a sick sense of relief when I go to bed at night that I've made it through another day-- not exactly sure what it is I'm so relieved hasn't happened (that I haven't alienated people? Lost my job? Proven myself unworthy?) but I wake up the next morning with the same sense of terror and dread.

I can only tell you that it HAS gotten better over the three years I've been doing the looking, and more importantly-- it's much more in the forefront of my consciousness rather than this unconscious driving force that has more power because it's unseen.

Keep looking-- although the terror hasn't dissipated completely, my life has gotten much better in very profound ways over the last few years. I have no doubt that process will continue for both of us.

Take care, and glad you're here--

Ansley

Waiting

Herenow,

"Surviving my entire life, not living" could be the exact words to describe my experience of life so far, too. It's a relief to find people who seem to have lived in the same state, somehow. Though, it's also the tragedy of human condition. It's been nearly two years since I stumbled into looking, and I still live with depression. I feel I never felt real connection to people, except for those who I happened to be in love with (without reciprocating, for my desperation). Life is empty, meaningless, nothing really deeply interests in it. To live for what? Just to yourself, never really sharing anything? There's no point, is there.

Yet I feel something is changing. Has changed, in fact. But it's hard to put your finger on it. Some kind of confidence in this process growing. At the same time there's doubt saying "yeah, people find refuge in all kinds of things, they're "reborn", they find "salvation", in this and that and the other thing, why would this be different...?" My take on all this at the moment is to go with the confidence, for tactical reasons. Why not? Choose the positive, just for the sake of less distress, if nothing else. Heck, we deserve it. Physicist David Bohm called it "tactical optimism". You know it's a position which might not be based on truth but it won't do much damage, either. We shall see the truth of it, eventually.

I've noticed myself thinking surprising, different thoughts, in a way I did not used to. About six months ago I spontaneously started training with weights again, and modified my diet. I'm perhaps fitter and stronger than ever. I'm still going at it. I didn't plan it. I don't know if this is a result of looking or not but I like to think it is. I also find myself thinking about what I want in life. What kind of life I would ideally like to live. And I don't feel entirely silly about it. If life is light and play, why not play it? I've been thinking of ways to get there, when I figure out what it is I want, and there's a new kind of sense of possibility, of seriousness to it. If I can make my body look different, then there must be a way to work on other things in my life, with perseverance. Before I wouldn't even have entertained such thoughts.

Of what I've read in this forum, of people's experiences of the change, it seems many report changes confidently after about four years into the process. I'm not sure where I got his number exactly, but it stuck. It must be individual, though. I'm still waiting, things to change, of feeling less fear, less depression, less suffering, more confident and easy around people, to find love, or to feel content alone...Will I be there when I'm not waiting anymore? Is there even going to be a time when I won't wait anymore?

Besides looking, practice turning your attention away from distressing thoughts. It's feels wrong at first. They scream for attention, those thoughts and feelings accompanying them. They feel utterly important. But be confident they're not. What if thoughts and feelings are of no such importance at all? What if they lose their spell on you? To me, that still seems a bit unreal, but I'm ready to consider it.

Seppo

 

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