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A vanishing one

Hi Carla, John, I was just listening to a recent podcast May 17th 2014 World Wide Meeting where John mentioned the vanished ones. As one of the "apparent" vanished ones I felt like writing to you. But to be honest I find it rather hard to get started as I have absolutely no need nor desire to express what has become of this life here.

Solitude has become the reality here due to various circumstances and the feeling of no longer needing the company of others. I would have felt uncomfortable and lonely in the past about such isolation, but now it is so very perfect. People come into my life and they go. Sometimes I may find myself throwing out a line of how "seeing" this life directly can change the misery and sometimes people catch on to it and I can see they have the curiosity to move towards sanity. Many times I my find myself among people who are "full up" and are only looking for some kind of re-enforcement for their particular world view. I have no interest in the usual madness of the humans. In fact it has become quite impossible to interact on any meaningful level. It feels as if the looking is always happening and has never not been happening. As the world of words and ideas start to lose their meaning they simply fall out of awareness leaving nothing but the looking. It does feel for a while as if there is the idea of an "I" doing this but in fact it is the dissolution of that idea of me that brings the wonder of life that was always present into the foreground of living.

In many ways, nothing has changed, there is nothing special, nothing spiritual but there are no more ideas nor concepts about life either. Words have taken on a hollowness and have lost the thrust of meaning that they always seemed to hold as if some hypnotic truth was buried within them. Maybe that is one of the reasons it seems so hard to express this wonder and maybe the reason I have no inclination to express anything about life. Believe me I am struggling with this right now!

There is no resistance to being open with people and there is no avoidance of others. But it seems such a waste of time being stuck in the sticky crazy world of most relationships that appear to be nothing but a negotiated pact of I love you as long as you love me. That may sound cynical but the bottom line is I just don't care anymore what others may think of me. And that doesn't mean I wouldn't help anyone who needs help, I would and I do from time to time but I find myself being unavailable mostly, unless there is some deeper kind of relationship, a slightly opened door, or a willingness or curiosity to face ourselves.

Fear is undoubtedly the king pin in the projected thought patterns that tend to enslave us. Thoughts are constantly coming into our conscious minds trying to perform the impossible. A constant avoidance of pain and sorrow and the grasping after happiness and pleasure. Totally futile the mind has never delivered us from sorrow, never, but we trust these thoughts as if they were the truth. So we cling never questioning the validity of that whole process in constant motion, commenting and advising about how and when and why and what we should and shouldn't do It is complete madness.

But it is so much more than madness really because those mind games blind us, cover the miracle of life, the utter unknowable mystery unfolding before our very eyes. That is not to say there are no longer problems and hassles, emotional turmoil and sadness, but all these are seen as sensations that are just simply an integral part of the mysterious dance of life, the colours that weave the fabric of life, and life would be less without them. The storms no longer come with the drowning, they pass, they are just as valid as any other sensations that may arise.

Within the "looking" lies an integral stillness, a peace that is always there. There is nothing to be known and there is nothing that can be known. Obviously on the pragmatic level I know I have a name and address but the fundamental essence of life, the flowing, is unknowable and before that was always something that would register fear. The mind would play out imagined scenarios in its attempt to protect itself from the unknown unpredictable future, always daunting, nearly always negative. Now in the "looking" there is just this now.

Now in the looking it is seen to be pointless to worry about an unknowable future so those thoughts fade away leaving nothing but this now so there is a directness between the looking and life. The looking is the direct link to the miracle of life. All is resolved in the looking, the willingness and the courage to face what the mind would have us believe is frightening. So no longer frightened of feeling fear, what could possibly matter? And this is perhaps one of the rising feelings looking brings all is well, in my life in your life. There is no need to be anyone to correct anything to bring anything about.

But life may ones day make me available I don't know and I don't care one way or the other. Life is an in your face unknowable mystery. Who am I to know anything of its wondrous flowing One thing that has been very interesting has been the chronic illness I have now had for over 25 years, Fibromyalgia. The conflict with my "illness world" had evaporated, mostly. I'm left with the aches and pains and all that goes with this syndrome but I have found limits and barriers breaking down the minds concepts with regard to what is possible. I've been rock climbing for over a year! It's such blast! Today I went but the pain was too much just did one climb. To say it's good to be alive is a gross understatement. In truth there just aren't any words to express this feeling. Hey, I noticed my web-liner email didn't arrive this week, have I been banished into the vanishing? It's funny, on many occasions I had felt I would love to join in once more but that moment just hasn't come yet Well, wishing you both much love No need to say it but keep up the great work, you are both very close to me in my vanishing!

Good to see you Nigel, and wonderful to read this report. I made a reply to your post in the Personality topic that I would like you to see.

Hi Nigel,

I was one of the vanishing ones too. It was good to read your almost invisible post!...smily I could relate to a lot of it. I've been taking a back seat to everything too, and not willing to participate in sticky relationships. I just don't do it. There is still the urge sometimes, but I just can't make myself play the in the neurosis anymore. And the madness of the whole species kind of overwhelmed me recently. Wasn't ready for that....

I used to have an infatuation with the song Bohemian and Rhapsody... "Nothing really matters, anyone can see..." I used to be all somber and serious when I heard those lyrics. (not to mention "Life Sucks and Then You Die"). But for some strange reason I found myself smiling when I heard the song again recently.

I dunno. It seems to me that some things matter. The best humor often has an ironic twist of truth in it. John says that "Truth is all that matters," but I don't believe anything he says...smily This conversation seems to matter, as a means to learning, I suppose. Not to try to persuade you in any way. Your ideas just triggered my sometimes wild imagination, which isn't tethered by fear anymore. It's kind of like a kid in a sandbox. It's more interested in exploring now than fending off. The new habits that I'm seeing develop are awkward and clumsy, but interesting of watch unfold after all those years of trying to make things happen.

Thanks for taking the time to write such a good and thoughtful post.



Hi Mike, yes it's good to see you here too. I feel gloriously lost in the mystery of it all. Must say also that the intensity of life has turned up quite a lot. There is unbridled passion rolling... I can see clearly the only way is through the "seeing", a fascinating journey, couldn't live any other way. Got the News on at the moment and the human world looks as if it's on the brink of a huge war... I have wondered many times if there was any hope for this world at all? Obviously if enough people bring about the "inner revolution" I do tend to believe the group consciousness could bring about a shift. We will have to see... The most I can do is bring about that change within my own being. That is the beginning and end of my responsibility to life here. I do feel if there is anyone who is open enough and has had enough of their own madness and our paths cross I would give my all for them... for what that is worth?

One thing I would like to run by anyone who reads this... It seems obvious that suffering is what would compel anyone to begin to question and doubt their "automated" mind set. A mind set that can bring joyful thoughts and thoughts that can bring us to our knees. But is suffering a necessary part of this extraordinary process we call human life? Is it necessary firstly to establish an ego? After all, this illusive mind component made up of words, images, feelings, concepts and ideas, brings consciousness into the etherial world of mind stuff. Although a painful process it would seem that without it, would there be the potential and the means to go beyond this mind set if we hadn't had this manifesting "ego" in the first place?

Life just seems to be far too amazing in all its wonders for this process not to be part of the whole unfolding... If this is true then there would be those who need to consolidate their ego and there would be those who are ripe and ready to let go of the ego, ready dive into the inconceivable?

As for my role in all this, well that's just as much a mystery as anything else... I don't really feel any personal need to act, action just happens. What results my acts may or may not bring about are just as unknowable as anything else. Let me give you an example of something that happened to me on a trip to India:

I was really compelled to go to Sri Raman's Ashram in India... this feeling of being compelled to act has happened on quite a few occasions in my life and I always know that feeling and trust it implicitly, there is just no choice. So I followed through. I really needed a break from my life here... my partner and I had a very conflictive relationship and I needed time to myself to process stuff and let go of stuff. Ramana's place was ideal for that... peacocks, mantras, incense smoke, great food... I love that place and always felt totally at home, in spite of the mosquitos and the discomfort of the high humidity and heat in July. I felt so much love that I returned every year for five consecutive years staying for one month in a simple hut on the ashram grounds. I held quite dearly the idea of "love" and giving and felt I wanted to return the "love" I felt in anyway I could. I ended up taking quite a large sum of money to hand out to anyone who I felt needed it. One person I decide to help was a very jolly sort of character, a beggar living on the streets who I had spoken to on numerous occasions. He had excellent English and I learned he had been educated in an English Missionary school somewhere in India. I enjoyed his smiling face and conversation. So I decided to give him some money. It is quite easy to be generous in India, a few euros is one hell of a lot money there. So I happily handed over 50€. The next few days I didn't see him. He had always been around the ashram entrance. Four days later I saw him. He was collapsed on a heap of rubbish, his ragged clothes blending in with the rubbish pile in such a way that he was completely camouflaged. On closer inspection I could see that he was still alive and around his body were several bottles of cheap Indian liquor. My ideas of generosity may have killed him! Made me think that did. Made me wonder what love really is? My acts certainly weren't love, I had nearly killed the poor guy. My feelings of being a "good guy" were suddenly dissolved in flies and excrement plastic bags and rotting food surrounding this poor old guy.

So what is love? What is the best way to act? What should I do? It became obvious that my ideas about "love or compassion" were not to be trusted. I'm not advocating anything here, but I am asking how can I know what is the right way to live? The bottom line for me is that love has to be unknowable. Acts of love could be a skilful kick up the ass in the right moment? Does love and compassion have rules and limits? I think not. Love has to be absolutely free to act in all ambits of human possibility that is, completely free of any deeper motives or ideas on what we think love is. Perhaps acts of love can only manifest when there is the state of looking? by that I mean a place free of any thoughts or ideas about a "me" doing all these wonderful acts! Does Love have to be born from freedom?

So I found I was once more cast a drift... my ideas on love weren't love. Great! More suffering!

Ha the wonder of it all!

Just one quibble Nigel: Seems to me that the words 'ego', 'mind', and 'personality', all point to the same phenomenon, which is the means by which we experience life. The problem is not the experience of a separate conscious existence by whatever name we might call it, but the psychological autoimmune disease we call the fear of life, which cripples the mind and deprives us of its great value.

Hi Nigel,

I feel like my understandings are infantile. Existential human suffering might be driven by something universal in us, like compassion. I don't know. Hardships like tripping over a rake in my garden are just part of everyday happenings, which I am starting to have a different feeling about. In fact, I just realized this as I wrote it, that I actually have a feeling for the difference now, between the human misery, and the hardships that we have to deal with. This is quite different than just having the understanding, and being able to wax eloquent about it. Wow! The wonders of learning are indeed satisfying!

I don't know what love is either. I used too though. Some of the ideas I came across when I was studying to become a Waldorf teacher still peak my interest. Constant learning and growing and cultivating an environment that might tease out our natural curiosity, comes easier when not clouded by the fear. But it's like anything else, two steps forward, one step back. Funny, I say that I don't know what love is, but I have a sense that it is, none the less. Again, this relationship to life is new and fresh and I enjoy hashing these things out sometimes, with this whole new perspective I'm developing.

Hi Nigel, I have never met you, and I have never taken part in john and Carla's meetings. But I have listened to every podcast from 2006 till now. I will never forget listening to you speaking to John. You gave me the impression that you really had got what John was speaking about and you inspired me to do my best to get where you were. I found too many people were just asking questions instead of actually doing the looking, and my heart went out to the ones who were actually doing it, like you and mike.

I have been wondering a lot lately to what happened to people like you, mike and some others who impressed me on those podcasts, and I am so glad to be able to read your post and write to you. I think that anything you post will be a great help to others who are still trying to do the looking.

I like you Nigel, since doing this looking have lost all interest in being with people, and apart from the three people who I live with, I never go out of my way to speak to other. I speak to people if it is needed that I do. I have nothing against people, but I just don't feel the need to speak with others about he normal things folk speak about. I adore my life of peace and joy, and I find I need very little of anything, just to enjoy the moment, and live each day as it comes. Anyhow my friend it was really good hearing from you, and I hope you do continue to post, when the time is ripe for you to do so, all the best, my friend. Peter

Hi Pedro, nice to meet you too! Yes, I guess I'll continue sharing best I can. All the very best on your looking! It really delivers... keep up the great way!


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