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1. How did you come upon the looking?

When I came upon the looking I was lost, helpless, desperate and feeling suicidal. I had been seeking for 25+ years, in many different venues. So, when I first heard John mention that nothing worked in one of his podcasts, I knew that he was right. I didn't want to be alive back then. It's obvious to me now that I felt that life was the problem, because I wanted it to end, but it wasn't obvious to me then.

2. What did you think of it when you first heard of it?

When I first heard of the looking, I felt it to be a breath of fresh air. I didn't have to pay money, or show up regularly to a rigid practice. For some reason, when I heard John say that It's almost to simple to be understood, I sort of understood what he was saying, if that makes any sense.

3. What did you do to try to get the first look?

I think the suggestion to look into a vivid childhood memory was helpful and I tried that as often as possible. It's really hard to talk about getting a first look, because it wasn't something new that I was trying to look at. It isn't something that I'm trying to discover. I'm just now beginning to realize that, more and more, in a way that makes sense. I don't have to "Get it." Understanding isn't necessary.

4. What problems and difficulties did you experience in the effort to look at you?

I tried all sorts of crazy things in relation to my deep learned spiritual wisdom and understandings, that seemed to be problems when I first started. I kept feeling like I was doing something wrong, or that I needed to get rid of all my old ideas and practices, but they were all that I knew at the time. From the perspective I am coming into these days, I can see that there really wasn't a problem, maybe just distractions. I just kept trying, like John mentions, no matter what difficulties seemed to arise.

5. What worked and what did not work for you?

I think what worked was to stick with it. It was also helpful to join in on the conversations on occasion. I think the focus and reminders that I would get in the meetings with John were very helpful.

I tried to go to some of my old spiritual groups to talk about conscious contact or Oneness, Presence ect. Those venues really didn't seem to help much, though they really didn't hurt. I would just find myself in one more deep discussion about reality and behaviors, which these days I find I have much less interest in.

6. How has/is the course of recovery from the effects of the fear of life unfolded or unfolding?

There were times in the beginning that I felt like a cornered cat, like the rug was being pulled out from under me. I did some crazy things and felt like I was really going insane. It's interesting to me now that the process of "going sane," as John says, can almost seem insane at first. It brings to mind the old saying: there's a distorted security in familiar pain.

I don't know when the fear of life left me, in fact, I can't say for sure that it's gone. If it is, then John is right when he says that it's not a big thing. A few months back I started to notice that I almost always felt safe, I think for the first time in my life. I feel more and more like there's a kind of innocence to me internally, as opposed to something lurking in the shadows.

Nothing much else has changed though. I still have 48 years worth of built up protective behavior momentum that still shows up sometimes. Nice thing is that I can clearly see that all of it is unwinding on its own, it takes care of itself, which leaves me so much more time to explore and appreciate what a miracle it is, just to be here, and to be human!


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