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An unconstructive whine. Sorry.

There have been so many moments of pleasure recently... and they are life giving and uplifting, but there are other things coming up too... the Dr Jekykll side of me that I have avoided.. and I'm so afraid of making mistakes and yet this personality in me keeps on coming out with such crap and I just think at the moment that people must think I'm nuts I've said such stupid things, had such poor perspective and still seem to have it now, today, still... I could go on, but I wont. I'm tired that's all... like we all are i think? Maybe?

I've come to see recently that I don't know who I am and what a horribly scary thought that is but, what a relief to finally admit it. I've been avoiding this idea and feeling all these years, constantly on the run from this vulnerablility I possess, which I've seen as a weakness unitl now.

Does this resonate with anyone else?

Right, I'm gonna make a cup of tea!

I always felt it is ridiculous to stick to some identity that comes with a certain function or role. Sure, such an identity provides some comfort. But it is just a mask. For a person who is free no labels stick anymore.

Honestly, I couldnt give a care in the world "who I am". I just want to feel good. Hope im not being too short.

Thank you, both.

Nobody knows who they are exactly. I don't think we are some fixed entities. I'm a thousand different tendencies working their way every which direction. But if my identity is not a question of personal salvation in the midst of chaos anymore, I'm more free to play with identities. There's some good feelings in this playfulness. I'm a very security seeking person, I want to have everything worked out, fixed, and under control and then have it easy. This have been very strong tendency in my life, but I suspect life doesn't work like that. I wonder if I'm ever going to enjoy change and uncertainty?

littleowl77 said: Honestly, I couldn't give a care in the world "who I am". I just want to feel good. Hope I'm not being too short.

I think you are on to something. When I am in the flow there is no need to label myself. The idea just doesn't come up. If we did an inventory of our thoughts, my guess is we would find that whenever we think a descriptive after I am it is generally because fear has arisen.

I used to think that animals have an advantage by having no identity but I have learned they are not entirely free of identity either. I recall an incident years ago with my German Shepard. Her name was Shadow (but I also called her Baby a lot). A relative was visiting with a very small puppy named Max. After I introduced the small Max to my 95 lb. German Shepard I waited in the wings to watch. When Shadow started playing rough, I scolded her and pointing to Max, shouted, "He's a baby." I can't exactly describe the changes I saw go through Shadow's face. I saw first surprise, then confusion and what were maybe hurt feelings. I knew instantly that Shadow was thinking, "But I am Baby!"


I saw two dogs and their owners this morning. The owners, 2 older guys were chatting and what were the dogs doing? Each dog stood close to their owners, looking at their owners faces, looking for recognition and being completely ignored... they didn't seem to know what to do.. It's so nice when you realize it's not about you. That attention seeking behaviour is just that and that it has no purpose except for the mind to try and get out of it and there's the catch. That feeling of being in a neutral gear is so much more pleasant.


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