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5 weeks of looking

I am a long-time spiritual aspirant, with the last two years very intense, reading and following the well-known non-duality teachers. The last year (with the exception of the past 5 weeks since I stumbled upon one of John's videos on youtube), has been quite hellish. The terror invoked by trying to "die before I die", the continuous wrestling with the "ego", the frustration of the infinite paradoxes, being told I must deeply accept everything as it is, that I must do this and that--all those instructions drove me to the brink of what it felt like to be losing my marbles. I had never had panic attacks before, but I had them this past year. Luckily, it feels like a lot of my "karmic load" had been released during this time--the anger, the hatred of myself and my life--those things had been worn down during this past year. But I was so ready to call off the search for enlightenment, but didn't know how to stop the insanity of it all.

Then one day 5 weeks ago, I was searching on youtube for what Adyashanti had to say on insanity (because I felt like I was going nuts due to the spiritual search), and one of John's videos came up. I couldn't believe that John also was desperate to stop the search many years ago. What he said made so much sense, that this looking at myself was all I needed to stop holding life at arm's length and to stop feeling at stake and threatened by life. I knew immediately this is what I needed to hear. I have been listening to John's recordings and watching his videos and reading his writings ever since. I can't believe the difference it has made. I feel like I am finally going SANE. The madness of the "search" has stopped. I feel contentment starting to settle in. I still have a little fear or anxiety from time to time, but it feels like it's slowly diminishing. I feel like I am "here" more and more. I can see that things I used to believe would threaten or diminsh me, in actuality have no affect on me at all. It's so comforting to be able to look at myself and feel myself here, and reassure myself that I am still here, unchanged and unhurt by anything that comes along.

It may be that this looking at oneself is for those who are at their wits end with the spiritual search. Some people I know in my life don't seem interested in this at all, despite my trying to explain it to them. I don't really know what it takes to make looking at oneself interesting to everyone who hears this message. But for me, this was the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. Thank you so much, John and Carla, for this offering of sanity to the world! I feel like this has been a saving grace for me. I am so grateful.

Jenny

As a follow-up to my post of yesterday, I just want to say what a blessed relief it is not to have to worry about my "stuff" anymore - my stupid mistakes, my thoughts, my feelings, my stumbling about in my humanness. What a blessed relief it is not to have to watch every thought and feeling for resistance, judgement or attachment. How wonderful it is to be able to say "so what" if I'm not perfect (which is every day!). How wonderful to be able to let down my guard against life and myself, and to be able to start seeing the sweetness and beauty of me, just as I am and have always been. Those little glimpses of the purity, freshness and newness of me are the medicine I have been looking for my entire life. What a wondrous thing life is becoming, little by little. Yes, there is still hardship and pain, as John says there will be, but it is more than offset by the reassurance I receive when I look at me, and see that I am untainted and unhurt by any of it. So I encourage whoever is reading this to continue the looking in whatever way you can. Blessings to all,

Jenny

Jenny,

Both of your reports are beautiful. I can absolutely relate to how you were feeling when you found John and the looking. I was in a similar state. Years of the spiritual search had left me with nothing else but the ability to talk a really good game. I had stock answers for almost every situation, but none of them did me a bit of good.

That is burning off more and more and now, I find myself not saying much of anything spiritual.

Spiritual confusion and clutter turned out to be a special kind of hell for me and I am very happy to see it go!

Welcome to the JOL Community,

Brian

Hi Brian,

Thanks for your reply! I can relate to the spiritual confusion - I have lately come to see, even before starting the looking, that all the babbling voices out there in the world (which say so many conflicting, confusing and confounding things) should just be thrown out the window for the time being. And with the looking, I see that just the seeing of myself is all that's needed - I am right here, so there is no need to "find" myself out there somewhere in what someone else says. So, I am also glad to see all the spiritual jargon and lingo going as well!

I also appreciate what you said here in another post:

"My advice to people just beginning the looking would be to be as patient with the process as possible. it is not a quick fix but it is a real fix. Also, it is good to focus only on this for a while. Set the spiritual teachings down for a while... they can always be picked back up again... with a much different perspective. Give yourself the space to experience this work unencumbered by other things."

That is very good advice - let the looking do all the work, and take a break from all the other voices out there.

I also relate to what you and Youngmee said about "muscle memory"--the pre-programmed, crazy reactions that continue to happen. This is happening to me as well, but I also am able to see the reactions more quickly, and from a new perspective. As I check for the me-ness of me during or after a reaction, I can see that I am totally unaffected and unhurt by the reaction and unhurt by the emotions involved in the reaction. It is starting to feel ok that the reaction is there, as I'm able to see that I am not only unhurt by it, but I am as fresh and new as I have always been. This is quite an amazing thing to begin seeing. It really takes the edge off the craziness of my reactions!

And it is wonderful to have this community for support. Thanks so much to John and Carla and everyone else involved for setting this up. I don't really have anyone else in my life who like discussing the looking. It's a marvelous thing to have discovered the looking, and to be discovering myself, and to be discovering that I am everything I always wanted. And it's a wonderful thing to have others to share all this with!

Blessings and Happy Looking,

Jenny

Thank you, Jenny

Similar experience

Similar experience

Jenny, you have a very interesting theory, that perhaps the looking works, at least partially, because it renders irrelevant the silly spiritual search that's such a common trap.

The relief is enormous. I didn't even realize what a heavy burden the spiritual search for answers had been.

I don't know where the looking will lead, but it has at least in part contributed to the release of spirituality and figuring-it-out, and so I will continue with it.

 

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