Just One Look Forum Archives
Recovery and Rehabilitation
I'm still wondering how it is that this insignificant act took away all my motivations and aspirations, all ambition and desire for achievement, it's really strange to see. I mean I'm okay with that at the moment, in fact I enjoy it but something in me still nagging: how you gonna survive like that...where you gonna be in 10 years if you continue like that.
I wonder about this thing called fear, the mother of all these wonders of human achievement. It took us to the moon and let us see the naked surface of Mars, hidden beneath its dusty cover dancing along with the stars, it made us dominate the earth surpassing the great dinosaur and the tiger in power and skill, made civilizations with all its scientific inventions, administrative play and complex views of how we see the world and ourselves. It made us fight wars, then conquer one another, colonization and slavery as he whose fear is greater is the winner and the winner takes it all.
It has made our minds speed up, overwhelmed by gigantic floods of information vomited out of the mouths of giant oracles called google and tell-lie-vision that where shaped by our minds yet shaping our minds in our craving for more, bigger and better life. Yet what is the price?
As we pay attention to the daily soap called "The Fear of Life" the currency that slips through our hands is and has always been -- Our Life.
Like the bull in the arena who has been chasing this damn red fabric over and over again, each time getting a spear in his neck not realizing he will never win - that's the rule of the game.
As we're bankrupting ourselves in the stock market of our minds, speculating on what idea is gonna be the next jackpot, we here have decided to stop speculating and invested our last coins on nothing and no one but ourselves - Bullseye!
The one dose of 'fear gone' has killed some motivation. It seems like I can find just as much enjoyment in what I would have called doing nothing in the past, when I let myself.
I still have a nagging fear that I need to keep inventing game changing systems and solutions. There's also a sense that the fear driving that is losing ground.
I was a beach bum during my early adult years and I didn't 'straighten up' until I was almost 30 and became a father. Since then I've been playing career catch-up. Killing myself would be a more honest opinion.
I'll take loss of fake motivation over mindless fear. But I agree, it's beyond strange. One of the clues that the looking works for me is that it doesn't roll out according to my mind's terms. The mind is great at pointing out faults in everything it sees but it cannot gain any ground on this. Like trying to climb a greased pole. It marshals in emotions and stored memories in an attempt to pull me back into the trance of fear because it fears anything different. Wow, drag me back into fear because that's all I've ever known. Oh well, algorithms can only work with known variables. The good news is that these algorithmic flare ups can't seem to persist through the night. 1 day venues at best. Now the dreams are getting funky but I'm viewing all this change as a good thing. Stiring up the mess is part of the work, it appears.
Another take on this: I'm seeing my career more now as an artist than a tactician/ fire fighter/protector of the free world. There is an art to being in the moment and letting things unravel into what they're pretty much gonna be. Almost like being bumpers on the kiddie bowling lane of reality. Ok, maybe not. The old saying that showing up is a big part of success.
Ok, getting off track here (and enjoying it).
I think that motivation will morph into or be replaced by a different catalyst.
Was Leonardo DaVinci motivated by fear or wonder?
Great musings. Very enjoyable. For me, the loss of motivation seems to have been taken over by a natural redirect of attention. I find my attention going to where it needs to go to at any given moment. If something needs to be done, I find my attention going to that thing and the motivation is almost inconsequential, as the energy to act follows attention. I don't know if this makes sense or not, and the pattern is not established, but I have noticed a very focused type of action, recently which follows attention. I can really get a lot done in this mode, it's like being on Ritalin.
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