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We have never met or talked

Hello John,

We have never met or talked. We have communicated by email so I don't expect you to remember me. My emails have ranged from timid questions to lunatic rants. In fact, one of my emails is still on your site as something which you said you would answer in a week or so but I guess you forgot about it. No big deal. It is nice to know that you have a life and don't remember every little detail. If you did it would imply that you are as anxiety ridden as I am and I would move on to the next dead end teaching.

My question or questions could take many forms now. Just writing this took me quite a while, as I wrote and deleted a ton of thoughts as they appeared to me. Obviously I am desperate but I have been so for such a long time that I am, sort of, getting used to it. There is a growing belief in me (still not a 100% knowing) that anything that I see, feel or think is not me. At the moment this presents a dilemma in that I don't know what to trust. I get a fussy wussy feeling about what it is I am at times but getting a lasting knowing feeling about this is so hard because this personality, sixty years in the making, that I have seen as me as (this temporary existence called F. keeps telling me that this is all there is or even if it is not all there is, whatever follows will be dealt with as F. It makes perfect sense to me, intellectually, that this is nonsense and that the feeling of F. will dissipate the moment I am free of this mind and body. In other words the personality, which keeps hijacking awareness and making it its own, will go away and then what always is will be all that is left and become obvious.

However the anxiety persists and as long as it is this intense to me I will be pressed to continue this quest. A quest that started as just curiosity many decades ago but has now become a desperate attempt to keep myself from ending my existence as this temporary and confused bundle of form, thoughts, feelings and memories called F.

So my question is, other than social conventions, what is wrong with suicide? Would I not just be putting an end to the dream which have been for the most part a nightmare? Whether it be suicide or just living thought the pain of what is left of my life, would I not reach the same end? What, if anything am I missing here? Any comments on this?

Still confused.

These are (obviously) just ramblings, so if my thoughts or questions need clarifying, let me know and I will try to do so.


I read this email and talked about it at the Worldwide Online Meeting on February 12, 2011. You can listen to the entire meeting in our podcast. Please let me know if more is needed.

In love,



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