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I see real changes after one year

Hi everybody, for a change, I want to share some progress that I enjoy. Previously, in my strive for the perfect, the sublime, the extraordinary, I would scrutinize every sensation for whether it is authentic, novel etc,, basically judge it like an expensive wine. Not surprisingly, I found a misstone, a fault in everything. Especially in relationsships. After about one year into the looking, more and more, I do not compare sensations to any silly and obscure reference, but rely on what John calls "self reliance", and guess what? Fulfilling Relationships, romantic and also in work just happen. Opportunities everywhere. I feel I do not even need all that, but It is sweet, and I am grateful. Life has found me, finally. Before, I felt lonely, almost as an outcast. I still have anxieties: that I am doomed, that I will end on the streets, unemplyoed, an alcohol addict etc,, if I continue on this slippery slope that got worse with the looking, when I stopped being vigilant 24/7. To keep these anxieties somewhat at bay, control of attention is very helpful. It is amazing, is it not? Bruno

A specific example to demonstrate the effect of the looking.

I have to give regular presentations about the progress of my work. This usually causes much anticipatory anxiety. Sometimes, I could not sleep the whole night, felt nauseous, and was so nervous during my talk that I did a bad job. Today, I was scheduled to give such a presentation. However, I completely forgot and did not prepare anything.

Nevertheless, I gave a good and informative presentation, people liked it.

This would have been impossible a year ago or so. Rather this situation would have been a nightmare come true.

Not anymore.

I'm really happy to hear about the change going on in your life, Bruno. I have experienced a similar downgrading of expectations with a similar upswing in satisfaction. I also gave presentation at a conference yesterday that would have had me in a twist 2 years ago. In the past, I've had horrible performance anxiety to the point I could barely speak. I was nervous yesterday, but really enjoyed the presentation and my performance was not affected by my nerves. Interestingly, my nervousness was mounting before my 1:00 presentation and I thought i wasn't going to make it......for some reason I thought to look at myself, I don't usually do this as a palliative measure when upset, but I had a startlingly deep experience of me at that moment. I think it was the contrast of my unusual state of anxiety, these states have pretty much gone away, and the immediate access, cutting straight thru the anxiety to 'me' that made the experience so profound. It's been 3 years since I started looking and these kinds of experiences of mastery in states of stress and anxiety are becoming more common place for me, to the point that there is an optimism and trust that the right course or action will ensue.....or whatever happens will evolve with an ease or flow that is natural and right, and not be as twisted negative expectations. with neg I feel that I'm not explaining this in the way I want to, but I feel that we are talking about the same thing.

Good to hear from you and the positive changes, cheers.


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